The Postive Experiment - AWESOME

Ok - This is exciting for me. I am cheerleading advisor at my kids school. I currently work with 17 cheerleaders on a daily basis. Now you would think that those who try out and become cheerleaders would be self confident, and know they have something to offer.

The truth is many of them are deathly shy and very insecure about their beauty (and I mean inner beauty). I constantly try to give positive messages to them. I am also VERY honest with them telling them what they need to work on.

Anyway - It's my passion to give them the truth about their wonderfulness. But, coming from an adult doesn't always sink in. So, I did the positive experiment with them. I plan on doing with the entire school. But, we started here.

I made 3 piles of 3x5 cards each with a cheerleaders name on them. Each cheerleader took a name from each pile - giving them 3 names. They were to take them home and write something positive or encouraging about the person on their card. I was somewhat worried that someone would flake out and a poor person would sit there w/o 3 positive comments. NO ONE FLAKED OUT. Some even went above and beyond and made a full blown art project for their recipient.

I read each card (51 of them) out loud to the group. They were so thrilled. They were all so appreciative of the comments that their teammates made about them. I got teary eyed more than once.

This is such a simple project - so easy and yet had such a HUGE impact on the team. I have kept the cards so I can copy them. I will give them back and I know that each one of them will cherish their cards and read them again and again.

Maybe you could present this idea to your student's teacher, or your student's coach. It is very worth it! It's always a good idea to give a kid a reason (or 3) to feel confident, feel special, important, cared for and appreciated.

I'd love your comments!

Frustration is setting in!!!

I try so hard to communicate in a real way with my kids. I try to take "gems" I have learned and pass them along. I try to take good advice and use it. Dr. Phil once said a long time ago something about how we should teach our kids our expectations by using our identity. Meaning when the kids do something outside of what the family stands for we say " The Smiths don't do that." Or, when saying something positive about our family . "The Smiths help their community." Helping the kids to identify with who we are as a family, what kind of behavior we expect and how we interact with the world.

I am proud of my kids and I am proud of my family. We do a lot of volunteering, we do a lot of good for our community. The kids are reminded constantly on how to be an exceptional person.

I am not thrilled with the way my kids get along with each other. It's a constant struggle to get them to be kind to one another on a regular basis.

So, yesterday my daughter gets mad at my son at school, starts doing her teenage drama queen routine, crying, etc. etc. While friends try to make her feel better - he walks by and she calls him an obscene name and then he retaliates and it starts a big ol' yelling match out in front of the school. Some kid jumps in and wants to start a fight with my son and it just progresses into a scene that is not a representation of who I want my family to be.

I have had the talks about family and sticking together and the talks about making a big old scene and acting like an ass. I guess the conversations have to be constant and reminders must be made.

Listen, if we don't support each other who will? Who will be there for you if not your family? Who you gonna call?

Respect each other, stick together and if you can't get along then for gosh sakes just leave each other ALONE!! So, it seems I suffer from a common problem of siblings fighting. It's just magnified in a small town where too many people get involved.

I need to calm down and talk to them in a peaceful, rational way. But this morning I was a snot to her and just told her to try to make it through the day without an outburst and causing any drama. I spoke out of anger and I am still angry. Probably because I have like a zillion times and yet these events still take place.

Oh well, the quest for perfection continues.

There is no easy road!

My son is mad at me. He has entered his senior year of high school. Along with being a senior comes many perks. The seniors get to leave campus for lunch and many seniors get a "free period." Mind you, our school is on a block schedule - so a free period is 2 hours of free time every other day. Uh - How bout' NO!!

I did not let my son take a free period. He is quite irritated about it. I also made him take pre-calculus and he's quite irritated at me for that, too. Well look, it's your last year - make it count. Learn all you can - do your best and learn as much as you can.

One of the things I try to communicate to him is that right now he makes his decisions on how he feels right now. I am making decisions based on how I know he will feel in 10 years.

No one EVER pushed me to be my best in High School. I had no real mentors and I had no one saying to me - YOU WILL SUCCEED. In high school I had better things to do with my time than work hard and learn much.

My son is so much like me that it scares me. The difference is - he has me. I will not let him say to himself in 10/15/20 years, "I wish I had paid more attention in high school." "I wish, I wish, I wish." So, for right now he is saying "I don't need this," "I don't want to do this." I just gently remind him that I know how smart he is. I know his potential and I know that this is the best for him. I tell him that I love him and I believe in him and that one day he'll be glad for the extra work now.

I ran into the principal the other day and she mentioned that his spirits were a bit low. (I live in a small town, everyone know everyone, she KNOWS my kid). I told her why and she suggested that I tell him that if he works very hard and has a successful first semester, that I allow him a free period during the second semester. We both agreed that my son is the type that only works hard when there is a reward or benefit for him. I told her I was worried about that personality trait and she was so wonderful in reminding me that in life there is always some sort of real motivation - more money, or something he wants so that I should not worry too much about that. That helped me feel better about it.

So, I told him. His only question was - which class does he get to drop. I couldn't answer that right off - so the issue is currently tabled. But, oh have no doubt it will come up again.

I don't just pull the "because I said so card." That does no good on a 17 year old boy who feels he has the world by the (Hmmm) and knows exactly what he is doing and exactly what he wants.

So, I tell him my motivations. I tell him why I have made these decisions on his behalf. And even though he may not agree with them, he has learned through a lifetime of commitment to him that I only have his success in mind. He knows that his happiness, his success is my life's goal. He will never and has never questioned that. That's a major win on my side.

At this age they need to understand why things are the way they are. You (I) can't just make demands without talking to the kid and helping him see why we do what we do.

I hope that I am making him a better person. I hope that my insistence that he do his best will carry on throughout his life and that he will make "being his best" a lifetime habit.

Community Service - Exactly who do you want your kids to be.

I joined my local merchant's association in order to build my business more locally. The group puts on all kinds of community enhancing events. Last night was a big one -- a Starfest for Astronomy lovers. The group was in need of volunteers in order to help direct people. As it was dark and help was needed to guide people where they needed to be.

I signed up my entire family to volunteer. My oldest even called to plan a visit to us and I told her, we would love to have you- here is what we are doing. She came and she worked, too.

The Astronomy lovers recently paid for and built and observatory at my kid's school. So, while my daughter and I hooked up for a check in - she was moaning a bit (it had been a couple of hours) and I told her - well this is the least you can do - these people built you an observatory. She said "yeah." and we carried on.

I want my kids to recognize that they are responsible for improving their community. So many people figure that someone else will do it. Of course there will always be that small group of dedicated people who do most of the legwork.

It is not OK to enjoy the fruits of other's labors on a constant basis. Your labor is needed to build a better, stronger community. Not to mention a better stronger you.

I thanked my kids very much at the end of the evening. Each of them was gracious and let me know they were glad to help for something that was important to me.

I was very proud to introduce them to other volunteers and those in charge. My kids help make a difference and I am proud of that too!

Finding Ways to Communicate if it isn't easy!

I have to give COMPLETE credit for this idea to my daughter. She came up with this and she is a genius.

My daughter is not great at expressing emotions. She gets it from her dad. Now my son and I wear our hearts on our sleeves and talk talk talk about whatever it is we are feeling at any given moment.

I like to tackle feelings head on and talk it out, work it out. But, my daughter (and hubby) just don't function that way. Though we have nice talks and when I come to her she will talk about issues with me.

But, what about the times I don't see an issue? What about the times I don't recognize that she has something going on inside her and then I miss the opportunity to be of help, or support, or what she needs.

So, one day I walked into my room and found a composition book on my pillow. It had "MOM" written on the cover. Down in the corner it said "mommy & me"

I opened the book and it was dated and the first paragraph read:

Mom,
I know and you know that I don't like to talk about how I feel so I thought that this might help.

She went on to talk about a problem she was having in school. She had gotten in some trouble for being a smart mouth and she wanted to tell her side of the story.

The book was used quite often for a while to share her thoughts and then I would respond to her. Quite honestly we don't use it as much any more. I would like to think it is because we talk more. But, I need to write her a little check in note and see if she wants to share.

So, here is a FABULOUS idea if you are having a hard time communicating. OH by the way - we never TALK about what is written in the book. What happens in the book - stays in the book.

So, thanks to her creativity we found a way to break through her barriers to communication.

I am really proud of her!

Honoring Their Father

My personality is too strong. I am aware of it. Somehow I always manage to make my faults less important by stating that I recognize them. Somehow I feel it lets me off the hook a little (oh please!!). I am the dominant factor in this house for two reasons.

1. Because I refuse to be ruled (childhood baggage)
2. Because when it comes to my kids I am a complete and utter push over (not happy about it, but it's the cold hard truth)

So, I am either ruling out of fear of being ruled or because I want my kids to have every moment of happiness possible, no matter the cost.

I have learned over the years that my kids are often a reflection of me. If I am disrespectful to their father (my husband of almost 18 years) they will begin to fall in line. They will discredit his answers or blow him off or be rude to him. When I noticed the trend, I really wanted to make a change.

Quite honestly in my life I have never met a kinder, more generous man than my husband. He gives of himself tirelessly. He is an amazing person with endless amounts of patience and fortitude. I want my children to recognize that. I want them to aspire to be like him (and less like me). I want them to be giving, loving, caring and have the highest amount of integrity. All the things I see in their father.

I constantly speak of how lucky they are to have him. How hard he works and how much he offers their lives in the way of support and spirit - the "go get um', you can do anything" kind of spirit.

Being typical teenagers they cop attitudes, the disrespect on occasion and they "mouth off." I try to call them on it immediately. Sometimes through a facial expression, sometimes through a word of disapproval. Sometimes with a threat of a smack!

I want to honor their father. I want my daughter to aspire to marry a man very much like him (perhaps a bit more expressive would be nice). I want my son to aspire to be like him. My son is an amazing person who does see the grace that is his father. Though he forgets it sometimes when he is doing his own teenage thing.

I want to honor him everyday so that they will see him and appreciate him the way I do.

I am sorry for the times I am a control freak. I want to do better at this and I want to be an example for them.

Showing Kids You Care

I keep things I find inspirational. I have had this long list, brightly colored for years. For some time now it has been tacked to my broom closet door as a reminder to me.

It is titled 150 Ways to Show Kids You Care. This is not just about my kids, but all kids I come in contact with.

Here it goes:

1. Notice them
2. Smile a lot
3. Acknowledge Them
4. Seek them out
5. Remember their birthdays
6. Ask them about themselves
7. Look in their eyes when yo talk to them
8. Listen to Them
9. Read aloud together
10. Giggle together
11. Be nice
12. say yes a lot
13. Tell them their feelings are okay
14. Set boundaries the keep them safe
15. Be honest
16. Be yourself
17. Listen to their stories
18. Hug them
19. Forget your worries sometimes an concentrate only on them
20. Not when they are acting differently
21. Present options when they seek your counsel
22. Play outside together
23. Surprise them
24. Stay with them when they are afraid
25. Invite them over for juice
26. Suggest better behaviors when they act out
27. Feed them when they are hungry
28. Delight in their discoveries
29. Share their excitement
30. Send them a letter or a postcard
31. Follow them when they lead
32. Notice when they are absent
33. Call them to say hello
34. Hide surprises for them to fine
35. Give them space when they need it
36. Contribute to their collections
37. Discuss their dreams and nightmares
38. Laugh at their jokes
39. Be relaxed
40. Kneel, squat, or sit so you'r at their eye level
41. Answer their questions
42. Tell them how terrific they are
43. Create a tradition with them and keep it
44. Learn what they have to teach
45. Use your ears more than your mouth
46. Make yourself available
47. Show up at their concerts, games and events
48. Make yourself available
    
49. Find a common interest
50. Hold hands during a walk
51. Apologize when you've done something wrong
52. Listen to their favorite music with them
53. Keep the promises you make
54. Wave and smile when you part
55. Display their artwork in your home
56. Thank them
57. Point out what you like about them
58. Clip magazine pictures or articles that interest them
59. give them lots of compliments
60. Catch them doing something right
61. Encourage win-win solutions
62. Give them your undivided attention
63. Ask their opinion
64. Have fun together
65. Be curious with them
66. Introduce them to your friends and family
67. Tell them how much you like being with them
68. Let them solve most of their own problems
69. Meet their friends
70. Meet their parents
71. Let them tell you how they feel
72. Help them become an expert at something
73. Be excited when you see them
74. Tell them about yourself
75. Let them act their age
76. Praise more, criticize less
77. Be consistent
78. Admit when you have made a mistake
79. Enjoy your time together
80. Give them a special nickname
81. Marvel at what they can do
82. Tell them how proud you are of them
83. Pamper them
84. Unwind together
85. Be a happy person
86. Ask them to help you
    
87. Support them
88. Applaud their successes
89. Deal with problems and conflicts with they are still small
90. Chaperone a dance
91. Tell them stories in which they are the hero
92. Believe in them
93. Nurture them with good food, good words and good fun
94. Be flexible
95. Delight in their uniqueness
96. Let them make mistakes
97. Notice when they grow
98. Wave and honk when you drive by them
99. Give them immediate feedback
100. Include them in conversations
101. Respect them
102. Join in their adventures
103. Visit their schools
104. Help them learn something new
105. Be understanding when they have a difficult day
106. Give them good choices
107. Respect the choices that they make
108. Be silly sometimes
109. Sometimes just "hang out" with them
110. Make time to be with them
111. Inspire their creativity
112. Accept them as they are
113. Become their advocate
114. Appreciate their individuality
115. Talk open with them
116. Tolerate their interruptions
117. Trust them
118. Share a secret
119. Write a chalk message on their sidewalk
120. Create a safe, open environment

(HOLD ON - I have to listen to a Story from my teenage boy : Girl Issues)

1. Be available
2. Cheer them on
3. Encourage them to help others
4. Tackle new tasks together
5. Believe what they say
6. Help them take a stand and stand with them - I like this one!
7. Daydream with them
8. Do what they like to do
9. Make decisions together
10. Magnify their magnificence
11. Build something together
12. Encourage them to think big
13. Celebrate their firsts and lasts, such as the first day of school
14. Go places together
15. Welcome their suggestions
16. Visit them when they are sick
17. Tape-record a message for them
18. Help them learn from their mistakes
19. Be sincere
20. Introduce them to people of excellence
21. Tell them what you expect of them
22. Give them what you expect of them
23. Give them your phone number
24. Introduce them to new experiences
25. Share a meal together
26. Talk directly together
27. Be spontaneous
28. Expect their best, don't expect perfection
29. Empower them to help and be themselves
30. Love them, no matter what!