Honoring Their Father

My personality is too strong. I am aware of it. Somehow I always manage to make my faults less important by stating that I recognize them. Somehow I feel it lets me off the hook a little (oh please!!). I am the dominant factor in this house for two reasons.

1. Because I refuse to be ruled (childhood baggage)
2. Because when it comes to my kids I am a complete and utter push over (not happy about it, but it's the cold hard truth)

So, I am either ruling out of fear of being ruled or because I want my kids to have every moment of happiness possible, no matter the cost.

I have learned over the years that my kids are often a reflection of me. If I am disrespectful to their father (my husband of almost 18 years) they will begin to fall in line. They will discredit his answers or blow him off or be rude to him. When I noticed the trend, I really wanted to make a change.

Quite honestly in my life I have never met a kinder, more generous man than my husband. He gives of himself tirelessly. He is an amazing person with endless amounts of patience and fortitude. I want my children to recognize that. I want them to aspire to be like him (and less like me). I want them to be giving, loving, caring and have the highest amount of integrity. All the things I see in their father.

I constantly speak of how lucky they are to have him. How hard he works and how much he offers their lives in the way of support and spirit - the "go get um', you can do anything" kind of spirit.

Being typical teenagers they cop attitudes, the disrespect on occasion and they "mouth off." I try to call them on it immediately. Sometimes through a facial expression, sometimes through a word of disapproval. Sometimes with a threat of a smack!

I want to honor their father. I want my daughter to aspire to marry a man very much like him (perhaps a bit more expressive would be nice). I want my son to aspire to be like him. My son is an amazing person who does see the grace that is his father. Though he forgets it sometimes when he is doing his own teenage thing.

I want to honor him everyday so that they will see him and appreciate him the way I do.

I am sorry for the times I am a control freak. I want to do better at this and I want to be an example for them.

Showing Kids You Care

I keep things I find inspirational. I have had this long list, brightly colored for years. For some time now it has been tacked to my broom closet door as a reminder to me.

It is titled 150 Ways to Show Kids You Care. This is not just about my kids, but all kids I come in contact with.

Here it goes:

1. Notice them
2. Smile a lot
3. Acknowledge Them
4. Seek them out
5. Remember their birthdays
6. Ask them about themselves
7. Look in their eyes when yo talk to them
8. Listen to Them
9. Read aloud together
10. Giggle together
11. Be nice
12. say yes a lot
13. Tell them their feelings are okay
14. Set boundaries the keep them safe
15. Be honest
16. Be yourself
17. Listen to their stories
18. Hug them
19. Forget your worries sometimes an concentrate only on them
20. Not when they are acting differently
21. Present options when they seek your counsel
22. Play outside together
23. Surprise them
24. Stay with them when they are afraid
25. Invite them over for juice
26. Suggest better behaviors when they act out
27. Feed them when they are hungry
28. Delight in their discoveries
29. Share their excitement
30. Send them a letter or a postcard
31. Follow them when they lead
32. Notice when they are absent
33. Call them to say hello
34. Hide surprises for them to fine
35. Give them space when they need it
36. Contribute to their collections
37. Discuss their dreams and nightmares
38. Laugh at their jokes
39. Be relaxed
40. Kneel, squat, or sit so you'r at their eye level
41. Answer their questions
42. Tell them how terrific they are
43. Create a tradition with them and keep it
44. Learn what they have to teach
45. Use your ears more than your mouth
46. Make yourself available
47. Show up at their concerts, games and events
48. Make yourself available
    
49. Find a common interest
50. Hold hands during a walk
51. Apologize when you've done something wrong
52. Listen to their favorite music with them
53. Keep the promises you make
54. Wave and smile when you part
55. Display their artwork in your home
56. Thank them
57. Point out what you like about them
58. Clip magazine pictures or articles that interest them
59. give them lots of compliments
60. Catch them doing something right
61. Encourage win-win solutions
62. Give them your undivided attention
63. Ask their opinion
64. Have fun together
65. Be curious with them
66. Introduce them to your friends and family
67. Tell them how much you like being with them
68. Let them solve most of their own problems
69. Meet their friends
70. Meet their parents
71. Let them tell you how they feel
72. Help them become an expert at something
73. Be excited when you see them
74. Tell them about yourself
75. Let them act their age
76. Praise more, criticize less
77. Be consistent
78. Admit when you have made a mistake
79. Enjoy your time together
80. Give them a special nickname
81. Marvel at what they can do
82. Tell them how proud you are of them
83. Pamper them
84. Unwind together
85. Be a happy person
86. Ask them to help you
    
87. Support them
88. Applaud their successes
89. Deal with problems and conflicts with they are still small
90. Chaperone a dance
91. Tell them stories in which they are the hero
92. Believe in them
93. Nurture them with good food, good words and good fun
94. Be flexible
95. Delight in their uniqueness
96. Let them make mistakes
97. Notice when they grow
98. Wave and honk when you drive by them
99. Give them immediate feedback
100. Include them in conversations
101. Respect them
102. Join in their adventures
103. Visit their schools
104. Help them learn something new
105. Be understanding when they have a difficult day
106. Give them good choices
107. Respect the choices that they make
108. Be silly sometimes
109. Sometimes just "hang out" with them
110. Make time to be with them
111. Inspire their creativity
112. Accept them as they are
113. Become their advocate
114. Appreciate their individuality
115. Talk open with them
116. Tolerate their interruptions
117. Trust them
118. Share a secret
119. Write a chalk message on their sidewalk
120. Create a safe, open environment

(HOLD ON - I have to listen to a Story from my teenage boy : Girl Issues)

1. Be available
2. Cheer them on
3. Encourage them to help others
4. Tackle new tasks together
5. Believe what they say
6. Help them take a stand and stand with them - I like this one!
7. Daydream with them
8. Do what they like to do
9. Make decisions together
10. Magnify their magnificence
11. Build something together
12. Encourage them to think big
13. Celebrate their firsts and lasts, such as the first day of school
14. Go places together
15. Welcome their suggestions
16. Visit them when they are sick
17. Tape-record a message for them
18. Help them learn from their mistakes
19. Be sincere
20. Introduce them to people of excellence
21. Tell them what you expect of them
22. Give them what you expect of them
23. Give them your phone number
24. Introduce them to new experiences
25. Share a meal together
26. Talk directly together
27. Be spontaneous
28. Expect their best, don't expect perfection
29. Empower them to help and be themselves
30. Love them, no matter what!

Gratitude

I think that there is a common theme in many of my posts. I appreciate my kids, my life and all that it has offered me. I always want my kids to be grateful. Not just for their "stuff," of which they have much. But, for their life: A family that loves and supports them, the beauty around them, opportunities given them and each other as siblings.

Believe me, I have typical kids - They drive me insane. They fight with each other constantly. they never want to do their chores (or anything above and beyond their chores, should there be a need). We are Not a perfect family and you'll know that by reading posts here about the challenges we have faced. I guess the difference for me is recognizing and holding onto and "going with" all the good that springs up daily, hourly, by the minute.

So, on to gratitude. If you have not read my post on "Positive Action Recognition." And you are looking for ways to show gratitude to your kids, I think that the PAR program is amazing. Please take a minute to read it.

I learned with a puppy that I was training that I got more out of her by rewarding her when she did the things I asked of her than I did for punishing her when she misbehaved. It's the same concept with the kids. Positive brings more positive. Oprah has a saying that I live by and remind everyone around me of "What you focus on grows!" Think about it, if you keep complaining about a bad day, doesn't it always just get worse? Yes, it does. Whatever you give your attention - more of it will come your way - good or bad.

Our family camps A LOT and I would have to say our best family memories are from when we are camping. Even now at 14 and 17 (and my oldest foster daughter at 20) all want to go camping. We went at the end of March through the first week of April and everyone was so excited, even the oldest one took days off of work in order to join us camping for a few days.

While we camp, I will write letters to the kids, while they are out and about playing, I say thoughtful things to them and tell them how much and specifically what I appreciate about them.

Today while searching desperately for something in my office, I found a gratitude letter I wrote when we were camping in November of 2007! I read it and it made me feel so nice. I was also so glad that I had written it down. Who the heck remembers how they were feeling a year and a half ago? So, I am going to share here some of what I wrote to and about my children.

I am thankful for beautiful children that represent all possibilities of life. so much potential and so much in their eyes that gives me dreams of the future. And for their mere existence in my life.

I wrote about my oldest foster daughter:

I am thankful that you have been able to see that life has so much to offer and that you have decided to go after your share of it. That you at some point realized that you deserved it and that the things you dream of are truly possible. I am am thankful for any small part I have played in that.

I wrote about their father.

I am most thankful for a husband who gives of himself in every way to each one of us. In ways I never expected because I never knew a person was capable of so much kindness. He is an example for us all on what it means to love and be loving. I'm not able to put into words all the things he has taught me. There is no way I could thank him enough for the beauty that is the life he has give me.

I wrote about several other things in this gratitude letter, all of which I believe when read by the kids provoked thoughts in them. I hope that it helped them realize what a great father they have (even though they see his grace every day). I think they get a sense of gratitude for their own blessings as they see me appreciate and write down mine.

I believe my showing gratitude helps them be grateful people. I certainly hope it does. I want them to feel the sense of wonderfulness that I feel knowing this is my life, it's full of things and people I love - I am so very lucky!!

I want my kids to feel loved, honored, special, cared for and I want them to recognize and be grateful for all that this life is offering them on their journey.

Teaching Responsbility (Part 2)

Continuing on from the card with a list for parents that I had found and have held onto for years. I will comment on my take/experience with my efforts to implement these suggestions.

6. Provide your teen with ways to earn, save and manage money.

The toughest part of this one for me is the saving. Who I am kidding, I don't make them save and I know that I should. My son had a short summer job last year and when he got his first paycheck all he wanted to do was buy a weight set. Now the cool thing here is that we have shown our kids the value of a second hand purchase. He was thrilled to go on craigslist shop around, and purchase the one he wanted. He even made all the phone calls to inquire about the sets he was interested in. He spent every dime of his paycheck on the set he wanted. The great thing is, nearly a year later he still uses it (unlike most exercise equipment).

Also on managing money - my freshman daughter is in charge of decorations at the upcoming dance at school (it's tonight). She had a meager budget of $100. Luckily it's a luau theme and oriental trading company had sent a catalog with a ton of stuff. Anyway, I was so proud of her, she went through the catalog, picked out everything and even looked up the shipping charges. She went online and entered all the items and I even gave her my credit card and she entered everything. Her total was $100.82. I was very impressed. I didn't even check the items to make sure they were appropriate. I left it to her and told her that I had complete confidence in her. When the items arrived she went through the entire order and checked it against the invoice to make sure she got everything. It was fun to watch. My daughter is a YOUNG freshman. I started her in kindergarten at 4. So, she is almost a full year younger than her friends/classmates. So, for 14 years old, I am proud of her handling of the whole thing. Now, I was at Walmart the other night and they had a whole wall of luau stuff so I bought her some more stuff to add to it as a little surprise. She was thrilled. I am sure the dance will be fun.

7. Allow your teen to make personal choices in certain areas. These can include dress and extracurricular activities-- anything that doesn't put your teen in danger.

Dress! Dress! I have two words that drive me and many other mother's crazy "saggy pants." They drive me crazy and they especially drive my husband crazy. He just gets so irritated by them. Hell, my son even sags his pajamas! What is up with that?

I have to remind them on the dress code. It's easier to blame the school and take it off of yourself - they can't argue with that one - though they will try. There are a couple of sexy tops I refuse to let her wear to school and when she picks them out at the store I'll tell her first thing - if you buy that: 1. You're taking money out of what we budgeted to spend today and 2. YOU CAN'T WEAR IT TO SCHOOL! If she likes it enough she'll buy it, if not then she'll put it back and sigh heavily at the unfairness of the world.

Both of my kids are heavy into extracurricular activities and we support that heavily. It's a crazy life, but then again most parents already know all about that. I will say that due to circumstances at school, the cheerleading coach was let go and I got a call from the principal and was asked to be the "cheer advisor," since my son is a cheerleader, I of course accepted and let me tell you I have had the time of my life! It's too much fun and I get all this extra time with my kid and get to know his friends. I love it and am planning cheer tryouts for the end of this month for next year!

8. Help your teen consider consequences of every action. Provide facts when appropriate on such issues as using tobacco or taking unwise risks.

I have already talked A LOT about this in my blog - Please read other posts for many many of the challenges I have faced in this area.

I do have another story though (don't I always?) I smoke, my husband just quit. Our son unbeknown to us started smoking. Apparently for a while. We caught him and were both at a loss as to what to do. I knew it was the one thing I could not do anything about. Because no one could have stopped me, I started at 17 years old. My mom begged and pleaded. Though, I was heartbroken, I really thought that there was no way I could change it. I said everything I could think of to stop him. But, I knew none of it worked. I saw texts on his phone that referred to him smoking even though he told me he would not.

I realized he was taking MY CIGARETTES! that really made me mad. I told him if he was gonna smoke he was gonna have to find a way to pay for it. I hid my smokes every night. Sometimes so well that I could not find them, it was quite irritating.

So, I got a call from a friend of mine who is also the mother of a VERY good friend of my son. Her son had told her that we knew our son smoked and we were fine with it as long as he paid for them - OMG NOT TRUE!! We were just at a loss. She had told her son that maybe he should not hang out with our son if he was going to do adult things and wanted to be an adult (her and her hubby also smoke). This REALLY upset my son because her son is one of his best friends. I told her of all my verbal efforts and how saddened I was over him smoking. She was pretty adamant that I couldn't give up. She told me to take away allowing him to be out of my sight. Well, for me that was not possible, he has sports and activities and I guess I was just not willing to take that away from him.

THEN AN EPIPHANY!! Track season was just around the corner and he wanted some supplies. All of a sudden it occurred to me. So, I did not put on my "mom, no you can't hat." I put on my "now let's be reasonable hat." I said something to the effect of "You know, it would be really stupid for you to do track this year . . . that's just dumb. Smokers can't to do track. It's a contradiction. So, I am going to have to say, that I can't put in all the effort of track (shoes, time driving to and from practice, etc etc) when you obviously don't even care about the sport - you are smoking. C'mon that's just stupid!!" I left him alone with that thought. He kept asking me if I was serious and I would just say something like - "of course, you have to realize how it would be stupid, and I am not going to put in any effort for something so stupid, you obviously don't take the sport seriously, why should I?" Somehow that did it!!! He realized he had a choice between smokes and track. He loves track, he loves his coaches, he loves the whole experience and wasn't willing to give it up.

So, for now that battle has been won. As a smoker myself, I am sure this will be something we will have to address again. Though he just turned 17 last week, so my influence is only good for so long. However, I just realized he'll have college expenses that I can bargain with. For goodness sakes the kid is planning on being a firefighter/paramedic - smoking would be a ridiculous choice. I wish myself luck on this one! But, it's important enough to us that we'll keep drudging along finding ways to help him make good choices.

Wow that was a long one!!

I'll save 8 and 9 for another post.