Reminding them of THEIR Goals!

As I have stated here before my son has ADD. He's a great kid and the ADD really seems to mess with his patience. He seems to get angrier easily when he is off meds. Though he has gone the weekend w/o it, or forgotten to take it on occasion.

A series of events have taken place over the last couple of weeks (a bit less) that have given opportunity to learn lessons.

My son is sorta at the top of his game right now, good grades, won a few awards and leadership opportunities, doing well socially. So, about 4-5 days ago, he told me he wanted to try going off of his medication over the summer. I reminded him that he has A LOT going on this summer, Fire Academy, 3 weeks of leadership camp and another week at a leadership conference. I told him that things are going so well for him and that it's ok to be on medication if that is what he needs. I told him there is a chemical imbalance, it's not his fault, nor does it reflect poorly on "who he is as a person." So we agreed that he could give it a shot while at home over the summer, but it wouldn't be wise to change what is working while he is engaging in important activities for his future. He agreed.

So, yesterday he turned 17 years old - Yay! I made the fatal mistake of allowing him to have a friend spend the night on a school night.

Today I got a call from school. His math teacher/asst. principal had emailed the receptionist that my son was being very disrespectful and disruptive in class. She felt as though she could handle him, but saw the makings of a very bad day for him. Upon talking to him, she learned he did not take his medication today. So, they were calling to see if I wanted to bring his meds to him.

I thought about it and decided that it would be better for me to talk to him instead. So, they had him call me between classes. When I talked to him, I was calm, not angry at all. I decided to remind him of his goals. I also took the opportunity to remind him that he has a direct affect on other people's day. How he treats his teachers can directly effect what kind of day they were having and that was a responsibility he should take seriously.

I reminded him that he has spoken to me about the kind of person he wants to be (a leader, a scholar). I asked him if he felt his behavior was in line with his goals? I also reminded him of his desire to be off medication. I told him I could not take that request seriously if he could not take his responsibility to be a person others enjoy being around seriously. I reminded him of other requests he had made, and how I could not consider them if he were in this way while at school.

I told him I did not think he wanted to be the kind of kids whose mom had to run to school and give him medication so that he could be liked by those around him. I told him I would bring his medication but asked him if this was really what he wanted, or if he wanted to take a deep breath and think about acting in a way that is in line with his goals. If he was in 8th grade, I told him, I would be up there already. But, as a 17 year old boy making choices for himself, it did not seem like the right thing to do.

He decided to make the day better from that moment forward. We both agreed he would go and apologize to his teacher and move on with the day from there.

I spoke to him after school, before practice, he said the day did get better.

I understand the fact that he is 17 makes this scenario what it is. As I mentioned earlier, were he in 8th grade, I would have driven to school immediately to dispense his meds.

So, I am proud of both of us. I made the decision to not scold him and he made the decision to behave in line with his ultimate goals.

Score one for us!!!

Reminding Kids When They are Fortunate

Our Family has it pretty good. I work from home for the most part. We don't miss softball games or track meets or plays, or parent day or anything else. When the boy wanted special shoes for high jumping and then another pair for the shotput and the discus and yet another pair for general training (totaling a ridiculous amount that I refuse to admit here), he got them. Her softball jersey was $132 - Holy COW! When they want itunes, they get them, they both own the ipod touch and though he thinks he cell phone sucks - they both have high end cell phones.

Yesterday, we walked out of Walmart having dropped $281 on a bunch of "stuff," many groceries included. This was just the first stop on a day that would burn a hole in my ATM card. I thought it was a good time to remind my daughter how lucky she is. Now the preaching of "you don't know how good you've got it" would only serve to turn her off. So, I just started out by saying "you know with all the stuff that is going on in the economy I feel so lucky that I can just walk into the store and buy whatever I want without having to really worry about it." I continued with "obviously I have to worry about it, but not to the degree that so many others are facing." I continued on with how lucky I felt about how well "dad" takes care of us. She seemed to identify with what I was saying and agreed. So, instead of preaching to her(which I save for when I angry with her, like I was today for not doing her chores in a timely manner), I was able to share a true sentiment with her about how lucky our family is and how lucky she is to be living a life that affords her luxuries and vacations and family time, too.

Each one of us has something that makes our family lucky! By taking the lecture out of it, you get a chance to express yourself to your child without preaching to them. I just feel good about the way the conversation went. Most of the time I do, though. I really enjoy my daughter's company, I really like her and she knows it!!

Oh, I also sometimes will just say to myself while the kids are in the kitchen helping me put away groceries how lucky I feel to have stocked cabinets and that our family will have all we need for the week. I don't say it to anyone in particular, I just say it to myself and carry on.

Teaching Responsbility (Part 1)

This is an important one and I have felt that this one could be taught by example and consequences for being irresponsible (natural and imposed).

I found a list of things that you can do to teach responsibility and I have held onto to it for years. I'll share it here along with my thoughts.

1. Establish family rules and make sure they are clear to everyone in the household. The consequences for breaking rules must be consistent. Examples are curfew, homework time and even friends.

2. Household chores should be assigned to our teens and we need to make sure they are done on schedule.

Now this can be a hard one when you have busy kids. I recently hired a housekeeper and literally just gave her the kids chore lists for the weekend (of course I added mine too). Be considerate of your kids time too. If you encourage sports, theater, volunteering, you should also understand that sometimes there just isn't enough time.

3. Help your teen get and stay organized with school work. - Now kids don't all naturally have organizational skills - Heck open their bedroom door (LOL). This will be easier with some then others. Some just lack the skills and need the guidance and will appreciate it. Others could care less about being organized and find it perfectly okay to search thr0ugh the backpack to find their crumpled homework.

4. Be a good role model by meeting your own obligations completely and on time. This is a personally challenging one for me because I am a last minute queen. I have the uncanny ability to do something in the 11th hour and make it look like I worked on it tirelessly. But, I am also extremely reliable and the kids father is extremely reliable. We do what we say we will do - Always!!

5. Ask for your teen's input when making family decisions. If there are problems, brainstorm for solutions. I think I just do this naturally, when we talk both my kids have no fear of sharing their ideas and my son makes darn sure everyone hears his opinion and truth be told there have been many times where I have said "that is a really great idea."

Ok there are 5 more. I will save them for another post.

The general idea here is establishment of clear expectations. I know that I have struggled with being clear and have had to pull out the "because I said so" card. That never goes over well and the whole family suffers when one of my teens is unhappy with an outcome. So, I need to learn to be more consistent with my expectations BEFORE I expect them.

Sometimes we just forget that their are many minds, many points of view in the house and not everyone thinks exactly the same way. So, if I am disappointed in someone's decision or actions, or lack of action, I honestly do try to think to myself and decide whether or not I was clear in my expectations. I have seen that I am not always clear. So, in that vain, sometimes we have to give our family members a break

Another important thing that I am working on is giving myself a break. Sometimes I beat myself up over my mistakes or lack of direction w/the kids. We all have to sit back and realize that if we truly are doing the best we can (boy that can mean a lot of different things to different people), If we truly are always acting in the best interest of the family, then let the mistakes go. Learn from them and move on. I'm working on it!

Teen Driving - Help me out here folks!!

Ok, I live in a really small town and we are near nothing. I am a FREAK about letting my kids drive with teenagers (this includes up to 19). My son last year got invited to go to the mall with a girl friend (just a friend) of his. The older sister (18) was driving. This was SOOO hard for me to decide whether or not to let him go. Now mind you the mall is no less than an hour away (1hr 20, the way I drive), through windy mountain roads for a great portion of it.

So, I let him go. Then the weather turned. He got there safely, he called and checked in. I casually asked my husband to take me to mall to get him and drive him home. I couldn't bear the thought of him driving home with a teen in the dense fog. He was not mad or humiliated. I waited till they were done doing their thing. She is a super nice girl and didn't give him any guff about it.

Now remember - I live in an EXTREMELY small town (one gas station and one stop sign - ok 2, if you count the one coming into town off the two lane death highway (LOL). So, I am at the gas station and I am inside. Outside I see a car pull up and it has a couple of teens in it. The one driving I THINK is not allowed to drive with other teens yet. So, I see my son, walking up to the gas station - HE DOES NOT SEE ME. He talks to the kids in the car 0pens the back door and is about to get into the car. The kid in the front passenger seat, apparently told him that I was in the store (he obviously saw me). My son backs out of the door of the SUV and casually walks into the store. Hey Mama, can I go to (wherever) with "so and so?" I asked him if the kid was allowed to drive with teens (KNOWING HE IS NOT) and so my son goes out and asks him - he of course, says no. My son proceeds back into the store tells me "no," but wants to go with him anyway. A small argument occurs (of course the checker is a friend of mine, we know everyone in town). She and I discussed had I not been in the store, my 16 year old kid would have gotten into the SUV with 2 other teens, one of which who had his license like 3 months and drove off.

It scares the hell out me. You can't be with them every minute. He has track practice, or play practice or cheer practice. You just can't be with them every moment.

Now he has a friend who drives around all over. He's a responsible kid, who has had his license long enough to drive with others. I have given my son permission to drive with him. Now, they go no more than 5 miles (or less) to the deli, the taco shop, a friend's house. No biggie and it feels right.

Yesterday he let it slip that he was looking for a ride to the school baseball game (which is played at a park less than 2miles from the school). He told me he couldn't get a hold of the friend he has permission to drive with so he was going to go with a girl friend (friend). But as she pulled up to give him a ride, so did the other person. So, once again he was going to get into the car of someone whom he is not allowed to drive with.

He has had multiple eye surgeries and really isn't ready for a license yet (vision almost there). Plus he can be very impulsive - so I really don't care if he gets a license. I am in NO HURRY. He was just talking about getting his permit (which honestly, I don't know if he'd pass the eye test, but depending on the day, he might (his vision can fluctuate right now). But after these incidents, I really feel like he does not take the whole responsibility of driving seriously. If he is willing to break the rules - then he is not mature enough for me to even consider letting him drive, right???

Since his friends are just now entering the driving age - this is a new issue for me. As it is now, all the parents just take turns driving the kids "down the hill." to different events/activities.

What are you doing to ensure your kids follow the rules of driving? What have you said to SHOCK them back into reality?

Seriously, I'm nervous and I am - well, I am nervous.

Using Phrases Consistently that Represent Your Expectations and Intentions

I spend a lot of time on the road and I listen to talk radio all the time. Oprah radio has a lot of inspirational stories and "tidbits" that I pick up on and try to use in my daily life.

There was this psychologist on once who was talking about her experience in working with women. She found a fundamental ingredient missing from their lives. She indicated through working with women she learned that many of them never had the basic idea that they deserve to be happy instilled in them. Growing up somehow they never got the message "you deserve to be happy." It sounds so simple, so basic. But, it made me think. Maybe it's this whole idea about how we do for others, our kids, our husbands, our bosses.

Whether or not I bought into the whole idea, I determined was not important. What is important is that my daughter know she deserves to be happy. So, I told her - "you deserve to be happy." Not only did I tell her, but I tell her often. So much that now it's become a silly joke that we have fun with. But the phrase in ingrained in her mind. "I deserve to be happy." or "you deserve to be happy." We say it so much - she says it to me, she says it to her dad. It's fun and it now is a part of who we are.

Don't mock this. It's simple and silly and now it's a part of who we are. Though the whole thing has become fun now I feel really good about this positive message that has become a "truth" for all of us in our family, including my son.

Another example - and this one is just too much fun.

The movie "Freaky Friday" with Jamie Lee Curtis (most recent one). The mom is so busy, so torn in a thousand directions but she wants to send her kids off to school with a positive message - as her daughter jumps out of the car and runs on campus the mom yells out of the car "Make Good Choices!!!!"

I started doing that on a daily basis - literally as the door slams and my two kids are on their way out the door. They know it's from the movie. But, they also know it is my true wish for them. I did it this morning and they both yelled back "I will." Mind you my son right now is having trouble with a kid at school and got in trouble yesterday. We had this long talk about not letting this other kids control him and ruin all the positive things that are going on in his life right now. So, the simple phrase of "make good choices" applies greatly to what is going on in his life at this very moment. This phrase will always fit.

Another great thing about using these phrases regularly with the kids . . . Sometimes when I yell to my daughter "make good choices," she will yell back just before she slams the door "You deserve to be happy!" I laugh and carry on with the day from there. Having the last words spoken to me by my child a positive affirmation that life is good.

I hope that I a relaying here how amazingly simple it is to be positive and connect. If it is so simple and it is so positive . . . why not try it?

When I first heard the story on the radio, I took a moment and I asked my daughter, "do you know you deserve to be happy?" Of course she looked at me like I was crazy. I can't remember her exact response, but it was basically as if she had never really thought about it, but agreed that she knew inside that she deserved happiness. I think it was important that the words come out of my mouth to her letting her know that she deserves happiness. This way there is no question about what I want for her and and what she should want/expect for herself. The key would seem to be that she hear it often and sincerely, and even silly, if need be.

By the way, this all applies to boys as well.

So carry on and know that we ALL deserve to be happy and we all need to make good choices.

The Value of the term "Never Give Up"

Believing in your child is paramount. Your kid has enough peer pressure, difficult school assignments, and other outside influences that drag down his self esteem, that he must know at all costs that you know he can do it (it being succeed).

My son has struggled with school for valid reasons. He has a number of very small disabilities that all add up to having to work harder in order to achieve the high results that come naturally (or easier) to others.

He is an easily frustrated kid and wanted to give up many a time. Heck, he did give up many a time. We spent MANY a night with him throwing a fit over insisting he complete his homework.

I am going to go into detail here about the steps we took, but first let me say that being a parent is the full time job. It ain't easy, it ain't always fun. Sometimes I cry. But, more times I revel with pride and with joy over his accomplishments. For many years my husband and I would quietly say to one another "the world needs ditch diggers, too." All the while telling him that we know he is brilliant (and he is, and we have proof because the schools have tested the heck out of him because of his disabilities). He is smart enough to rule the world. He just has to work so much harder to prove it.

AS A NOTE: Our son is on an IEP (Individualized Education Program) due to his vision and fine motor skill disorders (dygraphia and Camptodactyly. He also has ADD.

So, here is what we did on a REGULAR basis.

1. Check the online homework hotline put out by his school to see his assignments. AND HIS MISSING ASSIGNMENTS. (He did those missing assignments whether or not he got credit for them).

2. He missed getting free time on the weekends, or whenever in order to do them. (THIS IS A FIGHT - BUT SO WHAT!!)

3. We have the email addresses of ALL his teachers. We email them to ask if there is anything we can do to support our son OR THE TEACHER. We want the teachers to know we are "involved" parents and that we insist on our son being as successful as possible.

4. We requested teacher conferences. We explain our child's disabilities so they would know his struggles. Many of them see him as so smart and such a class participant they don't realize how hard he struggles.

5. We dealt with his tantrums - his yelling at us to leave him alone. We got frustrated we got discouraged - we dealt with it!

SIDEBAR: Imagine how much easier it might be for a parent of a child who does not face physical challenges to step up to the plate and be successful.

Please understand - we have had to do these same things OVER AND OVER oh and OVER since he was in 6th grade.

Our son is now a Junior in high school. He has a 3.17 GPA and he is DOING IT ON HIS OWN. It took years and years of constant telling him that we will accept nothing less than the best he has to offer. We give our best, we expect his best.

YOU CAN'T GIVE UP!!!!

Our son has been awarded two leadership opportunities this year - BIG ONES!! He was awarded the American Legion Scholarship to the "Boys State Program" in Sacramento, CA. This is highly competitive!! The selection process states "Only boys with outstanding qualities of leadership, character, scholarship, loyalty and service to their schools and community should be considered." He will be going for an entire week with other Jr. boys to learn about government. I could go on and on about this program - but I won't - but the opportunities that will arise out of this camp will be immeasurable.

He also was awarded a camp leadership training position for the YMCA camp program. 3 weeks of mentoring and learning and growing!! This also will be an amazing opportunity for him.

I have seen too many parents who just give and give and then just GIVE UP!!

We never gave up. We never will! He is too important. His future means EVERYTHING to us.

If we still had to fight the fight . . . WE WOULD. He deserves it. He is our child.

I used to say over and over in my head "someday this will all kick in . . . someday he will get it" Well . . . Someday has arrived ! It will arrive for you too. Please don't give up!

Lessons of the Past

I wrote this as an essay I really needed to get off my chest about 7 months ago. Life has gone completely upwards since I wrote this. In a drastic, drastic for the amazingly better!

I feel the need to share this here as it tells the story of even how a mother who thinks she is completely clued in can be completely wrong!

Lessons

Those times in life where things come up and give you a slap in the face can sure be challenging. They can make you question everything about yourself, what you’re doing, how you’re doing it, why you’re doing it.

I have been secure in the knowledge that I am a doing the best I can as a mom. I have been here for my kids every day since they were born. Working to make a business for myself so that I could be wherever they needed me. Their father and I have a loving relationship, which made me feel confident that we were setting good examples for them in their lives.

I have struggled with my kids getting older. Even though they are still at home, I have yearned for the days when they were younger and life was so much simpler. Crafts at the kitchen table. A day at the zoo was a fun as it got. Now we face homework challenges, schedules, peers toying with their self confidence. We face the challenges of teaching lessons whenever the opportunity presents itself (not always when we are ready for them). For the most part, I have felt that we have met these challenges head on and have had success. We feel our kids are good people with a good sense of values and community service. We have always felt like our kids would make their way in the world with confidence, pride and success.

Last Friday I was faced with information that I was not prepared to hear. I found out that my son decided to buy Marijuana on the school bus and bring it to school. Honestly the moment the words reached my brain I had a nervous breakdown. I found myself pacing uncontrollably, feeling like I was in the middle of a nightmare (someone else’s nightmare, because it could not be my own).

I knew that I had one chance to deal with this situation in the right way. One chance to do the right things, say the right things, to be the parent that my son needed. I did the only thing I could think of. I called Fred Becker who works with parents in our area through the Community Parent Coalition and Parent Classes at the high school. Through talking with Fred (more than once and more than an hour or so). I learned my instincts were all wrong. I wanted to yank my kid and shake him and punish him and take every piece of freedom away from him. Through his thoughtful counsel my husband and I were able to tackle this situation and feel like we know where to go from here.

Our son had his incident on Friday. By Monday, after talking with him and we all agreed that he must make steps towards better decisions, a future full of hope and opportunity, we enrolled our son in an early intervention program here in San Diego. We signed him up for a 12 hour class that he will go to weekly and learn about the consequences of bad decisions. He went to his first class on Monday night and his second on Wednesday night. It was important to us the this be STOPPED NOW! Not later. Not if more trouble happens, NOW.

It is so easy to get wrapped up in daily life, daily challenges, daily schedules to simply not see a problem. We must have been so sure that all our decisions were in the best interest of our children that all of their decisions would also be in their best interest. But they are kids and they will make mistakes, they will do stupid things and they will need understanding, guidance, support and to hear that by making a mistake they need not be defined by that mistake. They can face the challenges of their mistake and come out on top.

It is important to learn no matter how much you love, no matter how great your child is; it is possible that they will make wrong decisions, harmful decisions, stupid mistakes. I know I honestly believed that this was not a possibility in my life. There was NO WAY my child would smoke pot. He is too loved, too smart, has too many opportunities. So there is my slap in the face.

I have learned from the people in my community, those who are my friends, those whom I respect, that this is a new beginning. How my son goes from here is the real test and that we have every reason to believe that he will rise to the occasion and move on and learn from this and be a better person for it.

As much as I hate what has happened, how it happened, I must be thankful that it did happen so that I could come to a place that is "real." I feel hopeful. I know we can handle this, he can handle this and we will all be the better for it.

Using Technology to Boost the Connection

Both of my kids have cell phones with texting (don't they all). I for no reason at all will send my kids texts to let them know I am thinking of them. BAD BAD MOM texts them while they are at school. I have their phone numbers programmed into my email contacts so I text them right out of the computer.

Usually I am up and about while the kids get ready for school. Actually I drag them out of bed. But, this particular morning I was exhausted, laid down in my daughter's bed and slept the whole time they were getting ready. I got up just as they were leaving.

I immediately texted them

I am sorry I was not awake. I miss seeing you guys. I love U both VERY much. Have a great day!!

Here are their replies

"I love u soo much too i miss see u too..Have a good day" - from the more long-winded girl (14)

"I love you too" - from the "too cool for school" boy (17)

Sent to and from my email for me to cherish and read as many times as I need during my day to remind me who I am! Yes, I am a sentimental fool!

I am also on Facebook and I have a myspace. I don't go onto myspace very often. But, I am on Facebook all the time!! I am "friends" with my kids on Facebook.

My son recently posted on Facebook (from school I might add - darn ipod w/wireless internet)

Chemistry is craZy hard

My comment to his post reads . . .

Yeah, that may be true. But, you are craZy Brilliant!

So, it's simple but we are in touch. I know what's going on in his head and he knows I know and he knows I am here to support him. I swear that kid never feels alone. He knows I am all about him!

Just being there seems to be the reason we are who we are as a family.

I may be a bit "over involved," but it sure beats the heck out of the alternative. Plus my kids (and I am sure your kids would to) surely let me know when I am over stepping. GOD FORBID I dance to a song playing at a store in the mall. That nearly caused a mutiny!

Positive Action Recognition

I joined with a group of parents at our kids high school to form a "Community Parent Coalition." We are a group of parents who simply want a positive environment for our kids and our community. Through meetings and brain-storming sessions, I worked with the group to create the PAR Program at our school (http://www.juliancpc.org). The program is all about recognizing kids when they make positive choices, be they great or small.

Teachers fill out PAR Cards that I created and then I collect them and make posters and hang them up in the hallway at school. The kids get to see what they are recognized for. It's the hope that other kids will work to be on the next poster and that the kids that see themselves up there will continue to make good choices.

So the program has been growing and the teachers are getting on board. I have to remind them frequently via email or posters in the staff room.

I was so thrilled with the program I came up with that I realized that it does not have to only be at school. I decided to implement the PAR program at home too. This way the kids could see each day the things that they do that make us proud. I made a poster and it hangs in my kitchen. I use a different color for each child so they can see their cards right away.

They are simple things that they do that I want to recognize them for. AND GUESS WHAT? Their friends come over and LOVE IT. I don't point it out. But, let me tell you, I have been in the living room and watched a girlfriend of my daughter just read each one individually with great interest.

I also stood one afternoon in the kitchen while my son and his friend were at the kitchen Island. His friend asked what it was, my son told him and he actually said "I wish my parents would do that." It felt great to hear this 16 year old boy say that!

It is simple - it costs almost nothing and my kids see it, feel special and are reminded daily that we are proud of them.

This is a beautiful, simple, constant way to connect with your kids on a positive level. They know you took the time to recognize their efforts!

So, pick up a poster board at walmart, pick up some post it notes and start recognizing your kids.

Positive recognition - inspires more positive behavior!

Connecting with teenagers (and tweens alike).

Through various circumstances that I have found myself in during my life, I always seem to find myself surrounded by kids. By working as a volunteer for my kids schools, by organizing and running carnivals for schools. Being talked into being a troop leader. Later I found myself as a foster mother to 4 girls and a boy alongside our two children.

The amazing thing is when I stop to take a look back and even a look around, I find that kids are drawn to me. We have great conversations, they include me in there circle of friends they want to share with. They hug me when I arrive on campus (yes, even those in high school). Somehow, some way, I seem to connect with kids. Let me be clear - not all kids - I had a recent failed foster parenting experience. So, I have also learned sometimes no matter what you do, sometimes things just don’t work out. Even with the best intentions.

Through my growth through my own children, I have spent so much time with kids that I have seen what many of them are lacking in their lives. I have seen what many of them are searching for. I have seen devastating low self esteem. I have always felt it was my place to build the kids up. It comes naturally for me to try to be inspirational to the kids around me.

I have found that what has seemed to come naturally to me (which is a lack of BS) is what brings me closer to the kids around me. When they do great I tell them. When they screw up, I tell them. When I screw up I tell them. I don’t pad things. I don’t talk down to them and I HEAR them!

So, as I am surrounded by them, I start to realize that how I connect with them and how I connect with my own two teens (14 and 17) is very doable. Being a real person who is sincerely interested in their best interest, their success, their happiness seems to be all that is needed.

I know that most adults genuinely want these things for the kids in their lives and the kids in their community. When more of the kids in your community are thriving, your own thrive as well. I guess what I have learned now is that many adults don’t know how to show those things to teens. Somehow they come across as jerks or just don't relate.

So my blog will consist of ways that I personally show kids how I care and how I want to enhance their lives and their experiences on a daily basis.

I know that if readers who really want to connect with their kids, their kids friends take on some of these simple tasks, positive changes will occur.