The Postive Experiment - AWESOME

Ok - This is exciting for me. I am cheerleading advisor at my kids school. I currently work with 17 cheerleaders on a daily basis. Now you would think that those who try out and become cheerleaders would be self confident, and know they have something to offer.

The truth is many of them are deathly shy and very insecure about their beauty (and I mean inner beauty). I constantly try to give positive messages to them. I am also VERY honest with them telling them what they need to work on.

Anyway - It's my passion to give them the truth about their wonderfulness. But, coming from an adult doesn't always sink in. So, I did the positive experiment with them. I plan on doing with the entire school. But, we started here.

I made 3 piles of 3x5 cards each with a cheerleaders name on them. Each cheerleader took a name from each pile - giving them 3 names. They were to take them home and write something positive or encouraging about the person on their card. I was somewhat worried that someone would flake out and a poor person would sit there w/o 3 positive comments. NO ONE FLAKED OUT. Some even went above and beyond and made a full blown art project for their recipient.

I read each card (51 of them) out loud to the group. They were so thrilled. They were all so appreciative of the comments that their teammates made about them. I got teary eyed more than once.

This is such a simple project - so easy and yet had such a HUGE impact on the team. I have kept the cards so I can copy them. I will give them back and I know that each one of them will cherish their cards and read them again and again.

Maybe you could present this idea to your student's teacher, or your student's coach. It is very worth it! It's always a good idea to give a kid a reason (or 3) to feel confident, feel special, important, cared for and appreciated.

I'd love your comments!

Frustration is setting in!!!

I try so hard to communicate in a real way with my kids. I try to take "gems" I have learned and pass them along. I try to take good advice and use it. Dr. Phil once said a long time ago something about how we should teach our kids our expectations by using our identity. Meaning when the kids do something outside of what the family stands for we say " The Smiths don't do that." Or, when saying something positive about our family . "The Smiths help their community." Helping the kids to identify with who we are as a family, what kind of behavior we expect and how we interact with the world.

I am proud of my kids and I am proud of my family. We do a lot of volunteering, we do a lot of good for our community. The kids are reminded constantly on how to be an exceptional person.

I am not thrilled with the way my kids get along with each other. It's a constant struggle to get them to be kind to one another on a regular basis.

So, yesterday my daughter gets mad at my son at school, starts doing her teenage drama queen routine, crying, etc. etc. While friends try to make her feel better - he walks by and she calls him an obscene name and then he retaliates and it starts a big ol' yelling match out in front of the school. Some kid jumps in and wants to start a fight with my son and it just progresses into a scene that is not a representation of who I want my family to be.

I have had the talks about family and sticking together and the talks about making a big old scene and acting like an ass. I guess the conversations have to be constant and reminders must be made.

Listen, if we don't support each other who will? Who will be there for you if not your family? Who you gonna call?

Respect each other, stick together and if you can't get along then for gosh sakes just leave each other ALONE!! So, it seems I suffer from a common problem of siblings fighting. It's just magnified in a small town where too many people get involved.

I need to calm down and talk to them in a peaceful, rational way. But this morning I was a snot to her and just told her to try to make it through the day without an outburst and causing any drama. I spoke out of anger and I am still angry. Probably because I have like a zillion times and yet these events still take place.

Oh well, the quest for perfection continues.

Reminding Kids When They are Fortunate

Our Family has it pretty good. I work from home for the most part. We don't miss softball games or track meets or plays, or parent day or anything else. When the boy wanted special shoes for high jumping and then another pair for the shotput and the discus and yet another pair for general training (totaling a ridiculous amount that I refuse to admit here), he got them. Her softball jersey was $132 - Holy COW! When they want itunes, they get them, they both own the ipod touch and though he thinks he cell phone sucks - they both have high end cell phones.

Yesterday, we walked out of Walmart having dropped $281 on a bunch of "stuff," many groceries included. This was just the first stop on a day that would burn a hole in my ATM card. I thought it was a good time to remind my daughter how lucky she is. Now the preaching of "you don't know how good you've got it" would only serve to turn her off. So, I just started out by saying "you know with all the stuff that is going on in the economy I feel so lucky that I can just walk into the store and buy whatever I want without having to really worry about it." I continued with "obviously I have to worry about it, but not to the degree that so many others are facing." I continued on with how lucky I felt about how well "dad" takes care of us. She seemed to identify with what I was saying and agreed. So, instead of preaching to her(which I save for when I angry with her, like I was today for not doing her chores in a timely manner), I was able to share a true sentiment with her about how lucky our family is and how lucky she is to be living a life that affords her luxuries and vacations and family time, too.

Each one of us has something that makes our family lucky! By taking the lecture out of it, you get a chance to express yourself to your child without preaching to them. I just feel good about the way the conversation went. Most of the time I do, though. I really enjoy my daughter's company, I really like her and she knows it!!

Oh, I also sometimes will just say to myself while the kids are in the kitchen helping me put away groceries how lucky I feel to have stocked cabinets and that our family will have all we need for the week. I don't say it to anyone in particular, I just say it to myself and carry on.

Using Phrases Consistently that Represent Your Expectations and Intentions

I spend a lot of time on the road and I listen to talk radio all the time. Oprah radio has a lot of inspirational stories and "tidbits" that I pick up on and try to use in my daily life.

There was this psychologist on once who was talking about her experience in working with women. She found a fundamental ingredient missing from their lives. She indicated through working with women she learned that many of them never had the basic idea that they deserve to be happy instilled in them. Growing up somehow they never got the message "you deserve to be happy." It sounds so simple, so basic. But, it made me think. Maybe it's this whole idea about how we do for others, our kids, our husbands, our bosses.

Whether or not I bought into the whole idea, I determined was not important. What is important is that my daughter know she deserves to be happy. So, I told her - "you deserve to be happy." Not only did I tell her, but I tell her often. So much that now it's become a silly joke that we have fun with. But the phrase in ingrained in her mind. "I deserve to be happy." or "you deserve to be happy." We say it so much - she says it to me, she says it to her dad. It's fun and it now is a part of who we are.

Don't mock this. It's simple and silly and now it's a part of who we are. Though the whole thing has become fun now I feel really good about this positive message that has become a "truth" for all of us in our family, including my son.

Another example - and this one is just too much fun.

The movie "Freaky Friday" with Jamie Lee Curtis (most recent one). The mom is so busy, so torn in a thousand directions but she wants to send her kids off to school with a positive message - as her daughter jumps out of the car and runs on campus the mom yells out of the car "Make Good Choices!!!!"

I started doing that on a daily basis - literally as the door slams and my two kids are on their way out the door. They know it's from the movie. But, they also know it is my true wish for them. I did it this morning and they both yelled back "I will." Mind you my son right now is having trouble with a kid at school and got in trouble yesterday. We had this long talk about not letting this other kids control him and ruin all the positive things that are going on in his life right now. So, the simple phrase of "make good choices" applies greatly to what is going on in his life at this very moment. This phrase will always fit.

Another great thing about using these phrases regularly with the kids . . . Sometimes when I yell to my daughter "make good choices," she will yell back just before she slams the door "You deserve to be happy!" I laugh and carry on with the day from there. Having the last words spoken to me by my child a positive affirmation that life is good.

I hope that I a relaying here how amazingly simple it is to be positive and connect. If it is so simple and it is so positive . . . why not try it?

When I first heard the story on the radio, I took a moment and I asked my daughter, "do you know you deserve to be happy?" Of course she looked at me like I was crazy. I can't remember her exact response, but it was basically as if she had never really thought about it, but agreed that she knew inside that she deserved happiness. I think it was important that the words come out of my mouth to her letting her know that she deserves happiness. This way there is no question about what I want for her and and what she should want/expect for herself. The key would seem to be that she hear it often and sincerely, and even silly, if need be.

By the way, this all applies to boys as well.

So carry on and know that we ALL deserve to be happy and we all need to make good choices.

Using Technology to Boost the Connection

Both of my kids have cell phones with texting (don't they all). I for no reason at all will send my kids texts to let them know I am thinking of them. BAD BAD MOM texts them while they are at school. I have their phone numbers programmed into my email contacts so I text them right out of the computer.

Usually I am up and about while the kids get ready for school. Actually I drag them out of bed. But, this particular morning I was exhausted, laid down in my daughter's bed and slept the whole time they were getting ready. I got up just as they were leaving.

I immediately texted them

I am sorry I was not awake. I miss seeing you guys. I love U both VERY much. Have a great day!!

Here are their replies

"I love u soo much too i miss see u too..Have a good day" - from the more long-winded girl (14)

"I love you too" - from the "too cool for school" boy (17)

Sent to and from my email for me to cherish and read as many times as I need during my day to remind me who I am! Yes, I am a sentimental fool!

I am also on Facebook and I have a myspace. I don't go onto myspace very often. But, I am on Facebook all the time!! I am "friends" with my kids on Facebook.

My son recently posted on Facebook (from school I might add - darn ipod w/wireless internet)

Chemistry is craZy hard

My comment to his post reads . . .

Yeah, that may be true. But, you are craZy Brilliant!

So, it's simple but we are in touch. I know what's going on in his head and he knows I know and he knows I am here to support him. I swear that kid never feels alone. He knows I am all about him!

Just being there seems to be the reason we are who we are as a family.

I may be a bit "over involved," but it sure beats the heck out of the alternative. Plus my kids (and I am sure your kids would to) surely let me know when I am over stepping. GOD FORBID I dance to a song playing at a store in the mall. That nearly caused a mutiny!

Positive Action Recognition

I joined with a group of parents at our kids high school to form a "Community Parent Coalition." We are a group of parents who simply want a positive environment for our kids and our community. Through meetings and brain-storming sessions, I worked with the group to create the PAR Program at our school (http://www.juliancpc.org). The program is all about recognizing kids when they make positive choices, be they great or small.

Teachers fill out PAR Cards that I created and then I collect them and make posters and hang them up in the hallway at school. The kids get to see what they are recognized for. It's the hope that other kids will work to be on the next poster and that the kids that see themselves up there will continue to make good choices.

So the program has been growing and the teachers are getting on board. I have to remind them frequently via email or posters in the staff room.

I was so thrilled with the program I came up with that I realized that it does not have to only be at school. I decided to implement the PAR program at home too. This way the kids could see each day the things that they do that make us proud. I made a poster and it hangs in my kitchen. I use a different color for each child so they can see their cards right away.

They are simple things that they do that I want to recognize them for. AND GUESS WHAT? Their friends come over and LOVE IT. I don't point it out. But, let me tell you, I have been in the living room and watched a girlfriend of my daughter just read each one individually with great interest.

I also stood one afternoon in the kitchen while my son and his friend were at the kitchen Island. His friend asked what it was, my son told him and he actually said "I wish my parents would do that." It felt great to hear this 16 year old boy say that!

It is simple - it costs almost nothing and my kids see it, feel special and are reminded daily that we are proud of them.

This is a beautiful, simple, constant way to connect with your kids on a positive level. They know you took the time to recognize their efforts!

So, pick up a poster board at walmart, pick up some post it notes and start recognizing your kids.

Positive recognition - inspires more positive behavior!