Ok - This is exciting for me. I am cheerleading advisor at my kids school. I currently work with 17 cheerleaders on a daily basis. Now you would think that those who try out and become cheerleaders would be self confident, and know they have something to offer.
The truth is many of them are deathly shy and very insecure about their beauty (and I mean inner beauty). I constantly try to give positive messages to them. I am also VERY honest with them telling them what they need to work on.
Anyway - It's my passion to give them the truth about their wonderfulness. But, coming from an adult doesn't always sink in. So, I did the positive experiment with them. I plan on doing with the entire school. But, we started here.
I made 3 piles of 3x5 cards each with a cheerleaders name on them. Each cheerleader took a name from each pile - giving them 3 names. They were to take them home and write something positive or encouraging about the person on their card. I was somewhat worried that someone would flake out and a poor person would sit there w/o 3 positive comments. NO ONE FLAKED OUT. Some even went above and beyond and made a full blown art project for their recipient.
I read each card (51 of them) out loud to the group. They were so thrilled. They were all so appreciative of the comments that their teammates made about them. I got teary eyed more than once.
This is such a simple project - so easy and yet had such a HUGE impact on the team. I have kept the cards so I can copy them. I will give them back and I know that each one of them will cherish their cards and read them again and again.
Maybe you could present this idea to your student's teacher, or your student's coach. It is very worth it! It's always a good idea to give a kid a reason (or 3) to feel confident, feel special, important, cared for and appreciated.
I'd love your comments!
Friday, September 18, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Frustration is setting in!!!
I try so hard to communicate in a real way with my kids. I try to take "gems" I have learned and pass them along. I try to take good advice and use it. Dr. Phil once said a long time ago something about how we should teach our kids our expectations by using our identity. Meaning when the kids do something outside of what the family stands for we say " The Smiths don't do that." Or, when saying something positive about our family . "The Smiths help their community." Helping the kids to identify with who we are as a family, what kind of behavior we expect and how we interact with the world.
I am proud of my kids and I am proud of my family. We do a lot of volunteering, we do a lot of good for our community. The kids are reminded constantly on how to be an exceptional person.
I am not thrilled with the way my kids get along with each other. It's a constant struggle to get them to be kind to one another on a regular basis.
So, yesterday my daughter gets mad at my son at school, starts doing her teenage drama queen routine, crying, etc. etc. While friends try to make her feel better - he walks by and she calls him an obscene name and then he retaliates and it starts a big ol' yelling match out in front of the school. Some kid jumps in and wants to start a fight with my son and it just progresses into a scene that is not a representation of who I want my family to be.
I have had the talks about family and sticking together and the talks about making a big old scene and acting like an ass. I guess the conversations have to be constant and reminders must be made.
Listen, if we don't support each other who will? Who will be there for you if not your family? Who you gonna call?
Respect each other, stick together and if you can't get along then for gosh sakes just leave each other ALONE!! So, it seems I suffer from a common problem of siblings fighting. It's just magnified in a small town where too many people get involved.
I need to calm down and talk to them in a peaceful, rational way. But this morning I was a snot to her and just told her to try to make it through the day without an outburst and causing any drama. I spoke out of anger and I am still angry. Probably because I have like a zillion times and yet these events still take place.
Oh well, the quest for perfection continues.
I am proud of my kids and I am proud of my family. We do a lot of volunteering, we do a lot of good for our community. The kids are reminded constantly on how to be an exceptional person.
I am not thrilled with the way my kids get along with each other. It's a constant struggle to get them to be kind to one another on a regular basis.
So, yesterday my daughter gets mad at my son at school, starts doing her teenage drama queen routine, crying, etc. etc. While friends try to make her feel better - he walks by and she calls him an obscene name and then he retaliates and it starts a big ol' yelling match out in front of the school. Some kid jumps in and wants to start a fight with my son and it just progresses into a scene that is not a representation of who I want my family to be.
I have had the talks about family and sticking together and the talks about making a big old scene and acting like an ass. I guess the conversations have to be constant and reminders must be made.
Listen, if we don't support each other who will? Who will be there for you if not your family? Who you gonna call?
Respect each other, stick together and if you can't get along then for gosh sakes just leave each other ALONE!! So, it seems I suffer from a common problem of siblings fighting. It's just magnified in a small town where too many people get involved.
I need to calm down and talk to them in a peaceful, rational way. But this morning I was a snot to her and just told her to try to make it through the day without an outburst and causing any drama. I spoke out of anger and I am still angry. Probably because I have like a zillion times and yet these events still take place.
Oh well, the quest for perfection continues.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
There is no easy road!
My son is mad at me. He has entered his senior year of high school. Along with being a senior comes many perks. The seniors get to leave campus for lunch and many seniors get a "free period." Mind you, our school is on a block schedule - so a free period is 2 hours of free time every other day. Uh - How bout' NO!!
I did not let my son take a free period. He is quite irritated about it. I also made him take pre-calculus and he's quite irritated at me for that, too. Well look, it's your last year - make it count. Learn all you can - do your best and learn as much as you can.
One of the things I try to communicate to him is that right now he makes his decisions on how he feels right now. I am making decisions based on how I know he will feel in 10 years.
No one EVER pushed me to be my best in High School. I had no real mentors and I had no one saying to me - YOU WILL SUCCEED. In high school I had better things to do with my time than work hard and learn much.
My son is so much like me that it scares me. The difference is - he has me. I will not let him say to himself in 10/15/20 years, "I wish I had paid more attention in high school." "I wish, I wish, I wish." So, for right now he is saying "I don't need this," "I don't want to do this." I just gently remind him that I know how smart he is. I know his potential and I know that this is the best for him. I tell him that I love him and I believe in him and that one day he'll be glad for the extra work now.
I ran into the principal the other day and she mentioned that his spirits were a bit low. (I live in a small town, everyone know everyone, she KNOWS my kid). I told her why and she suggested that I tell him that if he works very hard and has a successful first semester, that I allow him a free period during the second semester. We both agreed that my son is the type that only works hard when there is a reward or benefit for him. I told her I was worried about that personality trait and she was so wonderful in reminding me that in life there is always some sort of real motivation - more money, or something he wants so that I should not worry too much about that. That helped me feel better about it.
So, I told him. His only question was - which class does he get to drop. I couldn't answer that right off - so the issue is currently tabled. But, oh have no doubt it will come up again.
I don't just pull the "because I said so card." That does no good on a 17 year old boy who feels he has the world by the (Hmmm) and knows exactly what he is doing and exactly what he wants.
So, I tell him my motivations. I tell him why I have made these decisions on his behalf. And even though he may not agree with them, he has learned through a lifetime of commitment to him that I only have his success in mind. He knows that his happiness, his success is my life's goal. He will never and has never questioned that. That's a major win on my side.
At this age they need to understand why things are the way they are. You (I) can't just make demands without talking to the kid and helping him see why we do what we do.
I hope that I am making him a better person. I hope that my insistence that he do his best will carry on throughout his life and that he will make "being his best" a lifetime habit.
I did not let my son take a free period. He is quite irritated about it. I also made him take pre-calculus and he's quite irritated at me for that, too. Well look, it's your last year - make it count. Learn all you can - do your best and learn as much as you can.
One of the things I try to communicate to him is that right now he makes his decisions on how he feels right now. I am making decisions based on how I know he will feel in 10 years.
No one EVER pushed me to be my best in High School. I had no real mentors and I had no one saying to me - YOU WILL SUCCEED. In high school I had better things to do with my time than work hard and learn much.
My son is so much like me that it scares me. The difference is - he has me. I will not let him say to himself in 10/15/20 years, "I wish I had paid more attention in high school." "I wish, I wish, I wish." So, for right now he is saying "I don't need this," "I don't want to do this." I just gently remind him that I know how smart he is. I know his potential and I know that this is the best for him. I tell him that I love him and I believe in him and that one day he'll be glad for the extra work now.
I ran into the principal the other day and she mentioned that his spirits were a bit low. (I live in a small town, everyone know everyone, she KNOWS my kid). I told her why and she suggested that I tell him that if he works very hard and has a successful first semester, that I allow him a free period during the second semester. We both agreed that my son is the type that only works hard when there is a reward or benefit for him. I told her I was worried about that personality trait and she was so wonderful in reminding me that in life there is always some sort of real motivation - more money, or something he wants so that I should not worry too much about that. That helped me feel better about it.
So, I told him. His only question was - which class does he get to drop. I couldn't answer that right off - so the issue is currently tabled. But, oh have no doubt it will come up again.
I don't just pull the "because I said so card." That does no good on a 17 year old boy who feels he has the world by the (Hmmm) and knows exactly what he is doing and exactly what he wants.
So, I tell him my motivations. I tell him why I have made these decisions on his behalf. And even though he may not agree with them, he has learned through a lifetime of commitment to him that I only have his success in mind. He knows that his happiness, his success is my life's goal. He will never and has never questioned that. That's a major win on my side.
At this age they need to understand why things are the way they are. You (I) can't just make demands without talking to the kid and helping him see why we do what we do.
I hope that I am making him a better person. I hope that my insistence that he do his best will carry on throughout his life and that he will make "being his best" a lifetime habit.
Community Service - Exactly who do you want your kids to be.
I joined my local merchant's association in order to build my business more locally. The group puts on all kinds of community enhancing events. Last night was a big one -- a Starfest for Astronomy lovers. The group was in need of volunteers in order to help direct people. As it was dark and help was needed to guide people where they needed to be.
I signed up my entire family to volunteer. My oldest even called to plan a visit to us and I told her, we would love to have you- here is what we are doing. She came and she worked, too.
The Astronomy lovers recently paid for and built and observatory at my kid's school. So, while my daughter and I hooked up for a check in - she was moaning a bit (it had been a couple of hours) and I told her - well this is the least you can do - these people built you an observatory. She said "yeah." and we carried on.
I want my kids to recognize that they are responsible for improving their community. So many people figure that someone else will do it. Of course there will always be that small group of dedicated people who do most of the legwork.
It is not OK to enjoy the fruits of other's labors on a constant basis. Your labor is needed to build a better, stronger community. Not to mention a better stronger you.
I thanked my kids very much at the end of the evening. Each of them was gracious and let me know they were glad to help for something that was important to me.
I was very proud to introduce them to other volunteers and those in charge. My kids help make a difference and I am proud of that too!
I signed up my entire family to volunteer. My oldest even called to plan a visit to us and I told her, we would love to have you- here is what we are doing. She came and she worked, too.
The Astronomy lovers recently paid for and built and observatory at my kid's school. So, while my daughter and I hooked up for a check in - she was moaning a bit (it had been a couple of hours) and I told her - well this is the least you can do - these people built you an observatory. She said "yeah." and we carried on.
I want my kids to recognize that they are responsible for improving their community. So many people figure that someone else will do it. Of course there will always be that small group of dedicated people who do most of the legwork.
It is not OK to enjoy the fruits of other's labors on a constant basis. Your labor is needed to build a better, stronger community. Not to mention a better stronger you.
I thanked my kids very much at the end of the evening. Each of them was gracious and let me know they were glad to help for something that was important to me.
I was very proud to introduce them to other volunteers and those in charge. My kids help make a difference and I am proud of that too!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Finding Ways to Communicate if it isn't easy!
I have to give COMPLETE credit for this idea to my daughter. She came up with this and she is a genius.
My daughter is not great at expressing emotions. She gets it from her dad. Now my son and I wear our hearts on our sleeves and talk talk talk about whatever it is we are feeling at any given moment.
I like to tackle feelings head on and talk it out, work it out. But, my daughter (and hubby) just don't function that way. Though we have nice talks and when I come to her she will talk about issues with me.
But, what about the times I don't see an issue? What about the times I don't recognize that she has something going on inside her and then I miss the opportunity to be of help, or support, or what she needs.
So, one day I walked into my room and found a composition book on my pillow. It had "MOM" written on the cover. Down in the corner it said "mommy & me"
I opened the book and it was dated and the first paragraph read:
Mom,
I know and you know that I don't like to talk about how I feel so I thought that this might help.
She went on to talk about a problem she was having in school. She had gotten in some trouble for being a smart mouth and she wanted to tell her side of the story.
The book was used quite often for a while to share her thoughts and then I would respond to her. Quite honestly we don't use it as much any more. I would like to think it is because we talk more. But, I need to write her a little check in note and see if she wants to share.
So, here is a FABULOUS idea if you are having a hard time communicating. OH by the way - we never TALK about what is written in the book. What happens in the book - stays in the book.
So, thanks to her creativity we found a way to break through her barriers to communication.
I am really proud of her!
My daughter is not great at expressing emotions. She gets it from her dad. Now my son and I wear our hearts on our sleeves and talk talk talk about whatever it is we are feeling at any given moment.
I like to tackle feelings head on and talk it out, work it out. But, my daughter (and hubby) just don't function that way. Though we have nice talks and when I come to her she will talk about issues with me.
But, what about the times I don't see an issue? What about the times I don't recognize that she has something going on inside her and then I miss the opportunity to be of help, or support, or what she needs.
So, one day I walked into my room and found a composition book on my pillow. It had "MOM" written on the cover. Down in the corner it said "mommy & me"
I opened the book and it was dated and the first paragraph read:
Mom,
I know and you know that I don't like to talk about how I feel so I thought that this might help.
She went on to talk about a problem she was having in school. She had gotten in some trouble for being a smart mouth and she wanted to tell her side of the story.
The book was used quite often for a while to share her thoughts and then I would respond to her. Quite honestly we don't use it as much any more. I would like to think it is because we talk more. But, I need to write her a little check in note and see if she wants to share.
So, here is a FABULOUS idea if you are having a hard time communicating. OH by the way - we never TALK about what is written in the book. What happens in the book - stays in the book.
So, thanks to her creativity we found a way to break through her barriers to communication.
I am really proud of her!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Honoring Their Father
My personality is too strong. I am aware of it. Somehow I always manage to make my faults less important by stating that I recognize them. Somehow I feel it lets me off the hook a little (oh please!!). I am the dominant factor in this house for two reasons.
1. Because I refuse to be ruled (childhood baggage)
2. Because when it comes to my kids I am a complete and utter push over (not happy about it, but it's the cold hard truth)
So, I am either ruling out of fear of being ruled or because I want my kids to have every moment of happiness possible, no matter the cost.
I have learned over the years that my kids are often a reflection of me. If I am disrespectful to their father (my husband of almost 18 years) they will begin to fall in line. They will discredit his answers or blow him off or be rude to him. When I noticed the trend, I really wanted to make a change.
Quite honestly in my life I have never met a kinder, more generous man than my husband. He gives of himself tirelessly. He is an amazing person with endless amounts of patience and fortitude. I want my children to recognize that. I want them to aspire to be like him (and less like me). I want them to be giving, loving, caring and have the highest amount of integrity. All the things I see in their father.
I constantly speak of how lucky they are to have him. How hard he works and how much he offers their lives in the way of support and spirit - the "go get um', you can do anything" kind of spirit.
Being typical teenagers they cop attitudes, the disrespect on occasion and they "mouth off." I try to call them on it immediately. Sometimes through a facial expression, sometimes through a word of disapproval. Sometimes with a threat of a smack!
I want to honor their father. I want my daughter to aspire to marry a man very much like him (perhaps a bit more expressive would be nice). I want my son to aspire to be like him. My son is an amazing person who does see the grace that is his father. Though he forgets it sometimes when he is doing his own teenage thing.
I want to honor him everyday so that they will see him and appreciate him the way I do.
I am sorry for the times I am a control freak. I want to do better at this and I want to be an example for them.
1. Because I refuse to be ruled (childhood baggage)
2. Because when it comes to my kids I am a complete and utter push over (not happy about it, but it's the cold hard truth)
So, I am either ruling out of fear of being ruled or because I want my kids to have every moment of happiness possible, no matter the cost.
I have learned over the years that my kids are often a reflection of me. If I am disrespectful to their father (my husband of almost 18 years) they will begin to fall in line. They will discredit his answers or blow him off or be rude to him. When I noticed the trend, I really wanted to make a change.
Quite honestly in my life I have never met a kinder, more generous man than my husband. He gives of himself tirelessly. He is an amazing person with endless amounts of patience and fortitude. I want my children to recognize that. I want them to aspire to be like him (and less like me). I want them to be giving, loving, caring and have the highest amount of integrity. All the things I see in their father.
I constantly speak of how lucky they are to have him. How hard he works and how much he offers their lives in the way of support and spirit - the "go get um', you can do anything" kind of spirit.
Being typical teenagers they cop attitudes, the disrespect on occasion and they "mouth off." I try to call them on it immediately. Sometimes through a facial expression, sometimes through a word of disapproval. Sometimes with a threat of a smack!
I want to honor their father. I want my daughter to aspire to marry a man very much like him (perhaps a bit more expressive would be nice). I want my son to aspire to be like him. My son is an amazing person who does see the grace that is his father. Though he forgets it sometimes when he is doing his own teenage thing.
I want to honor him everyday so that they will see him and appreciate him the way I do.
I am sorry for the times I am a control freak. I want to do better at this and I want to be an example for them.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Showing Kids You Care
I keep things I find inspirational. I have had this long list, brightly colored for years. For some time now it has been tacked to my broom closet door as a reminder to me.
It is titled 150 Ways to Show Kids You Care. This is not just about my kids, but all kids I come in contact with.
Here it goes:
It is titled 150 Ways to Show Kids You Care. This is not just about my kids, but all kids I come in contact with.
Here it goes:
- Notice them
- Smile a lot
- Acknowledge Them
- Seek them out
- Remember their birthdays
- Ask them about themselves
- Look in their eyes when yo talk to them
- Listen to Them
- Read aloud together
- Giggle together
- Be nice
- say yes a lot
- Tell them their feelings are okay
- Set boundaries the keep them safe
- Be honest
- Be yourself
- Listen to their stories
- Hug them
- Forget your worries sometimes an concentrate only on them
- Not when they are acting differently
- Present options when they seek your counsel
- Play outside together
- Surprise them
- Stay with them when they are afraid
- Invite them over for juice
- Suggest better behaviors when they act out
- Feed them when they are hungry
- Delight in their discoveries
- Share their excitement
- Send them a letter or a postcard
- Follow them when they lead
- Notice when they are absent
- Call them to say hello
- Hide surprises for them to fine
- Give them space when they need it
- Contribute to their collections
- Discuss their dreams and nightmares
- Laugh at their jokes
- Be relaxed
- Kneel, squat, or sit so you'r at their eye level
- Answer their questions
- Tell them how terrific they are
- Create a tradition with them and keep it
- Learn what they have to teach
- Use your ears more than your mouth
- Make yourself available
- Show up at their concerts, games and events
- Make yourself available
- Find a common interest
- Hold hands during a walk
- Apologize when you've done something wrong
- Listen to their favorite music with them
- Keep the promises you make
- Wave and smile when you part
- Display their artwork in your home
- Thank them
- Point out what you like about them
- Clip magazine pictures or articles that interest them
- give them lots of compliments
- Catch them doing something right
- Encourage win-win solutions
- Give them your undivided attention
- Ask their opinion
- Have fun together
- Be curious with them
- Introduce them to your friends and family
- Tell them how much you like being with them
- Let them solve most of their own problems
- Meet their friends
- Meet their parents
- Let them tell you how they feel
- Help them become an expert at something
- Be excited when you see them
- Tell them about yourself
- Let them act their age
- Praise more, criticize less
- Be consistent
- Admit when you have made a mistake
- Enjoy your time together
- Give them a special nickname
- Marvel at what they can do
- Tell them how proud you are of them
- Pamper them
- Unwind together
- Be a happy person
- Ask them to help you
- Support them
- Applaud their successes
- Deal with problems and conflicts with they are still small
- Chaperone a dance
- Tell them stories in which they are the hero
- Believe in them
- Nurture them with good food, good words and good fun
- Be flexible
- Delight in their uniqueness
- Let them make mistakes
- Notice when they grow
- Wave and honk when you drive by them
- Give them immediate feedback
- Include them in conversations
- Respect them
- Join in their adventures
- Visit their schools
- Help them learn something new
- Be understanding when they have a difficult day
- Give them good choices
- Respect the choices that they make
- Be silly sometimes
- Sometimes just "hang out" with them
- Make time to be with them
- Inspire their creativity
- Accept them as they are
- Become their advocate
- Appreciate their individuality
- Talk open with them
- Tolerate their interruptions
- Trust them
- Share a secret
- Write a chalk message on their sidewalk
- Create a safe, open environment
- Be available
- Cheer them on
- Encourage them to help others
- Tackle new tasks together
- Believe what they say
- Help them take a stand and stand with them - I like this one!
- Daydream with them
- Do what they like to do
- Make decisions together
- Magnify their magnificence
- Build something together
- Encourage them to think big
- Celebrate their firsts and lasts, such as the first day of school
- Go places together
- Welcome their suggestions
- Visit them when they are sick
- Tape-record a message for them
- Help them learn from their mistakes
- Be sincere
- Introduce them to people of excellence
- Tell them what you expect of them
- Give them what you expect of them
- Give them your phone number
- Introduce them to new experiences
- Share a meal together
- Talk directly together
- Be spontaneous
- Expect their best, don't expect perfection
- Empower them to help and be themselves
- Love them, no matter what!
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Gratitude
I think that there is a common theme in many of my posts. I appreciate my kids, my life and all that it has offered me. I always want my kids to be grateful. Not just for their "stuff," of which they have much. But, for their life: A family that loves and supports them, the beauty around them, opportunities given them and each other as siblings.
Believe me, I have typical kids - They drive me insane. They fight with each other constantly. they never want to do their chores (or anything above and beyond their chores, should there be a need). We are Not a perfect family and you'll know that by reading posts here about the challenges we have faced. I guess the difference for me is recognizing and holding onto and "going with" all the good that springs up daily, hourly, by the minute.
So, on to gratitude. If you have not read my post on "Positive Action Recognition." And you are looking for ways to show gratitude to your kids, I think that the PAR program is amazing. Please take a minute to read it.
I learned with a puppy that I was training that I got more out of her by rewarding her when she did the things I asked of her than I did for punishing her when she misbehaved. It's the same concept with the kids. Positive brings more positive. Oprah has a saying that I live by and remind everyone around me of "What you focus on grows!" Think about it, if you keep complaining about a bad day, doesn't it always just get worse? Yes, it does. Whatever you give your attention - more of it will come your way - good or bad.
Our family camps A LOT and I would have to say our best family memories are from when we are camping. Even now at 14 and 17 (and my oldest foster daughter at 20) all want to go camping. We went at the end of March through the first week of April and everyone was so excited, even the oldest one took days off of work in order to join us camping for a few days.
While we camp, I will write letters to the kids, while they are out and about playing, I say thoughtful things to them and tell them how much and specifically what I appreciate about them.
Today while searching desperately for something in my office, I found a gratitude letter I wrote when we were camping in November of 2007! I read it and it made me feel so nice. I was also so glad that I had written it down. Who the heck remembers how they were feeling a year and a half ago? So, I am going to share here some of what I wrote to and about my children.
I am thankful for beautiful children that represent all possibilities of life. so much potential and so much in their eyes that gives me dreams of the future. And for their mere existence in my life.
I wrote about my oldest foster daughter:
I am thankful that you have been able to see that life has so much to offer and that you have decided to go after your share of it. That you at some point realized that you deserved it and that the things you dream of are truly possible. I am am thankful for any small part I have played in that.
I wrote about their father.
I am most thankful for a husband who gives of himself in every way to each one of us. In ways I never expected because I never knew a person was capable of so much kindness. He is an example for us all on what it means to love and be loving. I'm not able to put into words all the things he has taught me. There is no way I could thank him enough for the beauty that is the life he has give me.
I wrote about several other things in this gratitude letter, all of which I believe when read by the kids provoked thoughts in them. I hope that it helped them realize what a great father they have (even though they see his grace every day). I think they get a sense of gratitude for their own blessings as they see me appreciate and write down mine.
I believe my showing gratitude helps them be grateful people. I certainly hope it does. I want them to feel the sense of wonderfulness that I feel knowing this is my life, it's full of things and people I love - I am so very lucky!!
I want my kids to feel loved, honored, special, cared for and I want them to recognize and be grateful for all that this life is offering them on their journey.
Believe me, I have typical kids - They drive me insane. They fight with each other constantly. they never want to do their chores (or anything above and beyond their chores, should there be a need). We are Not a perfect family and you'll know that by reading posts here about the challenges we have faced. I guess the difference for me is recognizing and holding onto and "going with" all the good that springs up daily, hourly, by the minute.
So, on to gratitude. If you have not read my post on "Positive Action Recognition." And you are looking for ways to show gratitude to your kids, I think that the PAR program is amazing. Please take a minute to read it.
I learned with a puppy that I was training that I got more out of her by rewarding her when she did the things I asked of her than I did for punishing her when she misbehaved. It's the same concept with the kids. Positive brings more positive. Oprah has a saying that I live by and remind everyone around me of "What you focus on grows!" Think about it, if you keep complaining about a bad day, doesn't it always just get worse? Yes, it does. Whatever you give your attention - more of it will come your way - good or bad.
Our family camps A LOT and I would have to say our best family memories are from when we are camping. Even now at 14 and 17 (and my oldest foster daughter at 20) all want to go camping. We went at the end of March through the first week of April and everyone was so excited, even the oldest one took days off of work in order to join us camping for a few days.
While we camp, I will write letters to the kids, while they are out and about playing, I say thoughtful things to them and tell them how much and specifically what I appreciate about them.
Today while searching desperately for something in my office, I found a gratitude letter I wrote when we were camping in November of 2007! I read it and it made me feel so nice. I was also so glad that I had written it down. Who the heck remembers how they were feeling a year and a half ago? So, I am going to share here some of what I wrote to and about my children.
I am thankful for beautiful children that represent all possibilities of life. so much potential and so much in their eyes that gives me dreams of the future. And for their mere existence in my life.
I wrote about my oldest foster daughter:
I am thankful that you have been able to see that life has so much to offer and that you have decided to go after your share of it. That you at some point realized that you deserved it and that the things you dream of are truly possible. I am am thankful for any small part I have played in that.
I wrote about their father.
I am most thankful for a husband who gives of himself in every way to each one of us. In ways I never expected because I never knew a person was capable of so much kindness. He is an example for us all on what it means to love and be loving. I'm not able to put into words all the things he has taught me. There is no way I could thank him enough for the beauty that is the life he has give me.
I wrote about several other things in this gratitude letter, all of which I believe when read by the kids provoked thoughts in them. I hope that it helped them realize what a great father they have (even though they see his grace every day). I think they get a sense of gratitude for their own blessings as they see me appreciate and write down mine.
I believe my showing gratitude helps them be grateful people. I certainly hope it does. I want them to feel the sense of wonderfulness that I feel knowing this is my life, it's full of things and people I love - I am so very lucky!!
I want my kids to feel loved, honored, special, cared for and I want them to recognize and be grateful for all that this life is offering them on their journey.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Teaching Responsbility (Part 2)
Continuing on from the card with a list for parents that I had found and have held onto for years. I will comment on my take/experience with my efforts to implement these suggestions.
6. Provide your teen with ways to earn, save and manage money.
The toughest part of this one for me is the saving. Who I am kidding, I don't make them save and I know that I should. My son had a short summer job last year and when he got his first paycheck all he wanted to do was buy a weight set. Now the cool thing here is that we have shown our kids the value of a second hand purchase. He was thrilled to go on craigslist shop around, and purchase the one he wanted. He even made all the phone calls to inquire about the sets he was interested in. He spent every dime of his paycheck on the set he wanted. The great thing is, nearly a year later he still uses it (unlike most exercise equipment).
Also on managing money - my freshman daughter is in charge of decorations at the upcoming dance at school (it's tonight). She had a meager budget of $100. Luckily it's a luau theme and oriental trading company had sent a catalog with a ton of stuff. Anyway, I was so proud of her, she went through the catalog, picked out everything and even looked up the shipping charges. She went online and entered all the items and I even gave her my credit card and she entered everything. Her total was $100.82. I was very impressed. I didn't even check the items to make sure they were appropriate. I left it to her and told her that I had complete confidence in her. When the items arrived she went through the entire order and checked it against the invoice to make sure she got everything. It was fun to watch. My daughter is a YOUNG freshman. I started her in kindergarten at 4. So, she is almost a full year younger than her friends/classmates. So, for 14 years old, I am proud of her handling of the whole thing. Now, I was at Walmart the other night and they had a whole wall of luau stuff so I bought her some more stuff to add to it as a little surprise. She was thrilled. I am sure the dance will be fun.
7. Allow your teen to make personal choices in certain areas. These can include dress and extracurricular activities-- anything that doesn't put your teen in danger.
Dress! Dress! I have two words that drive me and many other mother's crazy "saggy pants." They drive me crazy and they especially drive my husband crazy. He just gets so irritated by them. Hell, my son even sags his pajamas! What is up with that?
I have to remind them on the dress code. It's easier to blame the school and take it off of yourself - they can't argue with that one - though they will try. There are a couple of sexy tops I refuse to let her wear to school and when she picks them out at the store I'll tell her first thing - if you buy that: 1. You're taking money out of what we budgeted to spend today and 2. YOU CAN'T WEAR IT TO SCHOOL! If she likes it enough she'll buy it, if not then she'll put it back and sigh heavily at the unfairness of the world.
Both of my kids are heavy into extracurricular activities and we support that heavily. It's a crazy life, but then again most parents already know all about that. I will say that due to circumstances at school, the cheerleading coach was let go and I got a call from the principal and was asked to be the "cheer advisor," since my son is a cheerleader, I of course accepted and let me tell you I have had the time of my life! It's too much fun and I get all this extra time with my kid and get to know his friends. I love it and am planning cheer tryouts for the end of this month for next year!
8. Help your teen consider consequences of every action. Provide facts when appropriate on such issues as using tobacco or taking unwise risks.
I have already talked A LOT about this in my blog - Please read other posts for many many of the challenges I have faced in this area.
I do have another story though (don't I always?) I smoke, my husband just quit. Our son unbeknown to us started smoking. Apparently for a while. We caught him and were both at a loss as to what to do. I knew it was the one thing I could not do anything about. Because no one could have stopped me, I started at 17 years old. My mom begged and pleaded. Though, I was heartbroken, I really thought that there was no way I could change it. I said everything I could think of to stop him. But, I knew none of it worked. I saw texts on his phone that referred to him smoking even though he told me he would not.
I realized he was taking MY CIGARETTES! that really made me mad. I told him if he was gonna smoke he was gonna have to find a way to pay for it. I hid my smokes every night. Sometimes so well that I could not find them, it was quite irritating.
So, I got a call from a friend of mine who is also the mother of a VERY good friend of my son. Her son had told her that we knew our son smoked and we were fine with it as long as he paid for them - OMG NOT TRUE!! We were just at a loss. She had told her son that maybe he should not hang out with our son if he was going to do adult things and wanted to be an adult (her and her hubby also smoke). This REALLY upset my son because her son is one of his best friends. I told her of all my verbal efforts and how saddened I was over him smoking. She was pretty adamant that I couldn't give up. She told me to take away allowing him to be out of my sight. Well, for me that was not possible, he has sports and activities and I guess I was just not willing to take that away from him.
THEN AN EPIPHANY!! Track season was just around the corner and he wanted some supplies. All of a sudden it occurred to me. So, I did not put on my "mom, no you can't hat." I put on my "now let's be reasonable hat." I said something to the effect of "You know, it would be really stupid for you to do track this year . . . that's just dumb. Smokers can't to do track. It's a contradiction. So, I am going to have to say, that I can't put in all the effort of track (shoes, time driving to and from practice, etc etc) when you obviously don't even care about the sport - you are smoking. C'mon that's just stupid!!" I left him alone with that thought. He kept asking me if I was serious and I would just say something like - "of course, you have to realize how it would be stupid, and I am not going to put in any effort for something so stupid, you obviously don't take the sport seriously, why should I?" Somehow that did it!!! He realized he had a choice between smokes and track. He loves track, he loves his coaches, he loves the whole experience and wasn't willing to give it up.
So, for now that battle has been won. As a smoker myself, I am sure this will be something we will have to address again. Though he just turned 17 last week, so my influence is only good for so long. However, I just realized he'll have college expenses that I can bargain with. For goodness sakes the kid is planning on being a firefighter/paramedic - smoking would be a ridiculous choice. I wish myself luck on this one! But, it's important enough to us that we'll keep drudging along finding ways to help him make good choices.
Wow that was a long one!!
I'll save 8 and 9 for another post.
6. Provide your teen with ways to earn, save and manage money.
The toughest part of this one for me is the saving. Who I am kidding, I don't make them save and I know that I should. My son had a short summer job last year and when he got his first paycheck all he wanted to do was buy a weight set. Now the cool thing here is that we have shown our kids the value of a second hand purchase. He was thrilled to go on craigslist shop around, and purchase the one he wanted. He even made all the phone calls to inquire about the sets he was interested in. He spent every dime of his paycheck on the set he wanted. The great thing is, nearly a year later he still uses it (unlike most exercise equipment).
Also on managing money - my freshman daughter is in charge of decorations at the upcoming dance at school (it's tonight). She had a meager budget of $100. Luckily it's a luau theme and oriental trading company had sent a catalog with a ton of stuff. Anyway, I was so proud of her, she went through the catalog, picked out everything and even looked up the shipping charges. She went online and entered all the items and I even gave her my credit card and she entered everything. Her total was $100.82. I was very impressed. I didn't even check the items to make sure they were appropriate. I left it to her and told her that I had complete confidence in her. When the items arrived she went through the entire order and checked it against the invoice to make sure she got everything. It was fun to watch. My daughter is a YOUNG freshman. I started her in kindergarten at 4. So, she is almost a full year younger than her friends/classmates. So, for 14 years old, I am proud of her handling of the whole thing. Now, I was at Walmart the other night and they had a whole wall of luau stuff so I bought her some more stuff to add to it as a little surprise. She was thrilled. I am sure the dance will be fun.
7. Allow your teen to make personal choices in certain areas. These can include dress and extracurricular activities-- anything that doesn't put your teen in danger.
Dress! Dress! I have two words that drive me and many other mother's crazy "saggy pants." They drive me crazy and they especially drive my husband crazy. He just gets so irritated by them. Hell, my son even sags his pajamas! What is up with that?
I have to remind them on the dress code. It's easier to blame the school and take it off of yourself - they can't argue with that one - though they will try. There are a couple of sexy tops I refuse to let her wear to school and when she picks them out at the store I'll tell her first thing - if you buy that: 1. You're taking money out of what we budgeted to spend today and 2. YOU CAN'T WEAR IT TO SCHOOL! If she likes it enough she'll buy it, if not then she'll put it back and sigh heavily at the unfairness of the world.
Both of my kids are heavy into extracurricular activities and we support that heavily. It's a crazy life, but then again most parents already know all about that. I will say that due to circumstances at school, the cheerleading coach was let go and I got a call from the principal and was asked to be the "cheer advisor," since my son is a cheerleader, I of course accepted and let me tell you I have had the time of my life! It's too much fun and I get all this extra time with my kid and get to know his friends. I love it and am planning cheer tryouts for the end of this month for next year!
8. Help your teen consider consequences of every action. Provide facts when appropriate on such issues as using tobacco or taking unwise risks.
I have already talked A LOT about this in my blog - Please read other posts for many many of the challenges I have faced in this area.
I do have another story though (don't I always?) I smoke, my husband just quit. Our son unbeknown to us started smoking. Apparently for a while. We caught him and were both at a loss as to what to do. I knew it was the one thing I could not do anything about. Because no one could have stopped me, I started at 17 years old. My mom begged and pleaded. Though, I was heartbroken, I really thought that there was no way I could change it. I said everything I could think of to stop him. But, I knew none of it worked. I saw texts on his phone that referred to him smoking even though he told me he would not.
I realized he was taking MY CIGARETTES! that really made me mad. I told him if he was gonna smoke he was gonna have to find a way to pay for it. I hid my smokes every night. Sometimes so well that I could not find them, it was quite irritating.
So, I got a call from a friend of mine who is also the mother of a VERY good friend of my son. Her son had told her that we knew our son smoked and we were fine with it as long as he paid for them - OMG NOT TRUE!! We were just at a loss. She had told her son that maybe he should not hang out with our son if he was going to do adult things and wanted to be an adult (her and her hubby also smoke). This REALLY upset my son because her son is one of his best friends. I told her of all my verbal efforts and how saddened I was over him smoking. She was pretty adamant that I couldn't give up. She told me to take away allowing him to be out of my sight. Well, for me that was not possible, he has sports and activities and I guess I was just not willing to take that away from him.
THEN AN EPIPHANY!! Track season was just around the corner and he wanted some supplies. All of a sudden it occurred to me. So, I did not put on my "mom, no you can't hat." I put on my "now let's be reasonable hat." I said something to the effect of "You know, it would be really stupid for you to do track this year . . . that's just dumb. Smokers can't to do track. It's a contradiction. So, I am going to have to say, that I can't put in all the effort of track (shoes, time driving to and from practice, etc etc) when you obviously don't even care about the sport - you are smoking. C'mon that's just stupid!!" I left him alone with that thought. He kept asking me if I was serious and I would just say something like - "of course, you have to realize how it would be stupid, and I am not going to put in any effort for something so stupid, you obviously don't take the sport seriously, why should I?" Somehow that did it!!! He realized he had a choice between smokes and track. He loves track, he loves his coaches, he loves the whole experience and wasn't willing to give it up.
So, for now that battle has been won. As a smoker myself, I am sure this will be something we will have to address again. Though he just turned 17 last week, so my influence is only good for so long. However, I just realized he'll have college expenses that I can bargain with. For goodness sakes the kid is planning on being a firefighter/paramedic - smoking would be a ridiculous choice. I wish myself luck on this one! But, it's important enough to us that we'll keep drudging along finding ways to help him make good choices.
Wow that was a long one!!
I'll save 8 and 9 for another post.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Reminding them of THEIR Goals!
As I have stated here before my son has ADD. He's a great kid and the ADD really seems to mess with his patience. He seems to get angrier easily when he is off meds. Though he has gone the weekend w/o it, or forgotten to take it on occasion.
A series of events have taken place over the last couple of weeks (a bit less) that have given opportunity to learn lessons.
My son is sorta at the top of his game right now, good grades, won a few awards and leadership opportunities, doing well socially. So, about 4-5 days ago, he told me he wanted to try going off of his medication over the summer. I reminded him that he has A LOT going on this summer, Fire Academy, 3 weeks of leadership camp and another week at a leadership conference. I told him that things are going so well for him and that it's ok to be on medication if that is what he needs. I told him there is a chemical imbalance, it's not his fault, nor does it reflect poorly on "who he is as a person." So we agreed that he could give it a shot while at home over the summer, but it wouldn't be wise to change what is working while he is engaging in important activities for his future. He agreed.
So, yesterday he turned 17 years old - Yay! I made the fatal mistake of allowing him to have a friend spend the night on a school night.
Today I got a call from school. His math teacher/asst. principal had emailed the receptionist that my son was being very disrespectful and disruptive in class. She felt as though she could handle him, but saw the makings of a very bad day for him. Upon talking to him, she learned he did not take his medication today. So, they were calling to see if I wanted to bring his meds to him.
I thought about it and decided that it would be better for me to talk to him instead. So, they had him call me between classes. When I talked to him, I was calm, not angry at all. I decided to remind him of his goals. I also took the opportunity to remind him that he has a direct affect on other people's day. How he treats his teachers can directly effect what kind of day they were having and that was a responsibility he should take seriously.
I reminded him that he has spoken to me about the kind of person he wants to be (a leader, a scholar). I asked him if he felt his behavior was in line with his goals? I also reminded him of his desire to be off medication. I told him I could not take that request seriously if he could not take his responsibility to be a person others enjoy being around seriously. I reminded him of other requests he had made, and how I could not consider them if he were in this way while at school.
I told him I did not think he wanted to be the kind of kids whose mom had to run to school and give him medication so that he could be liked by those around him. I told him I would bring his medication but asked him if this was really what he wanted, or if he wanted to take a deep breath and think about acting in a way that is in line with his goals. If he was in 8th grade, I told him, I would be up there already. But, as a 17 year old boy making choices for himself, it did not seem like the right thing to do.
He decided to make the day better from that moment forward. We both agreed he would go and apologize to his teacher and move on with the day from there.
I spoke to him after school, before practice, he said the day did get better.
I understand the fact that he is 17 makes this scenario what it is. As I mentioned earlier, were he in 8th grade, I would have driven to school immediately to dispense his meds.
So, I am proud of both of us. I made the decision to not scold him and he made the decision to behave in line with his ultimate goals.
Score one for us!!!
A series of events have taken place over the last couple of weeks (a bit less) that have given opportunity to learn lessons.
My son is sorta at the top of his game right now, good grades, won a few awards and leadership opportunities, doing well socially. So, about 4-5 days ago, he told me he wanted to try going off of his medication over the summer. I reminded him that he has A LOT going on this summer, Fire Academy, 3 weeks of leadership camp and another week at a leadership conference. I told him that things are going so well for him and that it's ok to be on medication if that is what he needs. I told him there is a chemical imbalance, it's not his fault, nor does it reflect poorly on "who he is as a person." So we agreed that he could give it a shot while at home over the summer, but it wouldn't be wise to change what is working while he is engaging in important activities for his future. He agreed.
So, yesterday he turned 17 years old - Yay! I made the fatal mistake of allowing him to have a friend spend the night on a school night.
Today I got a call from school. His math teacher/asst. principal had emailed the receptionist that my son was being very disrespectful and disruptive in class. She felt as though she could handle him, but saw the makings of a very bad day for him. Upon talking to him, she learned he did not take his medication today. So, they were calling to see if I wanted to bring his meds to him.
I thought about it and decided that it would be better for me to talk to him instead. So, they had him call me between classes. When I talked to him, I was calm, not angry at all. I decided to remind him of his goals. I also took the opportunity to remind him that he has a direct affect on other people's day. How he treats his teachers can directly effect what kind of day they were having and that was a responsibility he should take seriously.
I reminded him that he has spoken to me about the kind of person he wants to be (a leader, a scholar). I asked him if he felt his behavior was in line with his goals? I also reminded him of his desire to be off medication. I told him I could not take that request seriously if he could not take his responsibility to be a person others enjoy being around seriously. I reminded him of other requests he had made, and how I could not consider them if he were in this way while at school.
I told him I did not think he wanted to be the kind of kids whose mom had to run to school and give him medication so that he could be liked by those around him. I told him I would bring his medication but asked him if this was really what he wanted, or if he wanted to take a deep breath and think about acting in a way that is in line with his goals. If he was in 8th grade, I told him, I would be up there already. But, as a 17 year old boy making choices for himself, it did not seem like the right thing to do.
He decided to make the day better from that moment forward. We both agreed he would go and apologize to his teacher and move on with the day from there.
I spoke to him after school, before practice, he said the day did get better.
I understand the fact that he is 17 makes this scenario what it is. As I mentioned earlier, were he in 8th grade, I would have driven to school immediately to dispense his meds.
So, I am proud of both of us. I made the decision to not scold him and he made the decision to behave in line with his ultimate goals.
Score one for us!!!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Reminding Kids When They are Fortunate
Our Family has it pretty good. I work from home for the most part. We don't miss softball games or track meets or plays, or parent day or anything else. When the boy wanted special shoes for high jumping and then another pair for the shotput and the discus and yet another pair for general training (totaling a ridiculous amount that I refuse to admit here), he got them. Her softball jersey was $132 - Holy COW! When they want itunes, they get them, they both own the ipod touch and though he thinks he cell phone sucks - they both have high end cell phones.
Yesterday, we walked out of Walmart having dropped $281 on a bunch of "stuff," many groceries included. This was just the first stop on a day that would burn a hole in my ATM card. I thought it was a good time to remind my daughter how lucky she is. Now the preaching of "you don't know how good you've got it" would only serve to turn her off. So, I just started out by saying "you know with all the stuff that is going on in the economy I feel so lucky that I can just walk into the store and buy whatever I want without having to really worry about it." I continued with "obviously I have to worry about it, but not to the degree that so many others are facing." I continued on with how lucky I felt about how well "dad" takes care of us. She seemed to identify with what I was saying and agreed. So, instead of preaching to her(which I save for when I angry with her, like I was today for not doing her chores in a timely manner), I was able to share a true sentiment with her about how lucky our family is and how lucky she is to be living a life that affords her luxuries and vacations and family time, too.
Each one of us has something that makes our family lucky! By taking the lecture out of it, you get a chance to express yourself to your child without preaching to them. I just feel good about the way the conversation went. Most of the time I do, though. I really enjoy my daughter's company, I really like her and she knows it!!
Oh, I also sometimes will just say to myself while the kids are in the kitchen helping me put away groceries how lucky I feel to have stocked cabinets and that our family will have all we need for the week. I don't say it to anyone in particular, I just say it to myself and carry on.
Yesterday, we walked out of Walmart having dropped $281 on a bunch of "stuff," many groceries included. This was just the first stop on a day that would burn a hole in my ATM card. I thought it was a good time to remind my daughter how lucky she is. Now the preaching of "you don't know how good you've got it" would only serve to turn her off. So, I just started out by saying "you know with all the stuff that is going on in the economy I feel so lucky that I can just walk into the store and buy whatever I want without having to really worry about it." I continued with "obviously I have to worry about it, but not to the degree that so many others are facing." I continued on with how lucky I felt about how well "dad" takes care of us. She seemed to identify with what I was saying and agreed. So, instead of preaching to her(which I save for when I angry with her, like I was today for not doing her chores in a timely manner), I was able to share a true sentiment with her about how lucky our family is and how lucky she is to be living a life that affords her luxuries and vacations and family time, too.
Each one of us has something that makes our family lucky! By taking the lecture out of it, you get a chance to express yourself to your child without preaching to them. I just feel good about the way the conversation went. Most of the time I do, though. I really enjoy my daughter's company, I really like her and she knows it!!
Oh, I also sometimes will just say to myself while the kids are in the kitchen helping me put away groceries how lucky I feel to have stocked cabinets and that our family will have all we need for the week. I don't say it to anyone in particular, I just say it to myself and carry on.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Teaching Responsbility (Part 1)
This is an important one and I have felt that this one could be taught by example and consequences for being irresponsible (natural and imposed).
I found a list of things that you can do to teach responsibility and I have held onto to it for years. I'll share it here along with my thoughts.
1. Establish family rules and make sure they are clear to everyone in the household. The consequences for breaking rules must be consistent. Examples are curfew, homework time and even friends.
2. Household chores should be assigned to our teens and we need to make sure they are done on schedule.
Now this can be a hard one when you have busy kids. I recently hired a housekeeper and literally just gave her the kids chore lists for the weekend (of course I added mine too). Be considerate of your kids time too. If you encourage sports, theater, volunteering, you should also understand that sometimes there just isn't enough time.
3. Help your teen get and stay organized with school work. - Now kids don't all naturally have organizational skills - Heck open their bedroom door (LOL). This will be easier with some then others. Some just lack the skills and need the guidance and will appreciate it. Others could care less about being organized and find it perfectly okay to search thr0ugh the backpack to find their crumpled homework.
4. Be a good role model by meeting your own obligations completely and on time. This is a personally challenging one for me because I am a last minute queen. I have the uncanny ability to do something in the 11th hour and make it look like I worked on it tirelessly. But, I am also extremely reliable and the kids father is extremely reliable. We do what we say we will do - Always!!
5. Ask for your teen's input when making family decisions. If there are problems, brainstorm for solutions. I think I just do this naturally, when we talk both my kids have no fear of sharing their ideas and my son makes darn sure everyone hears his opinion and truth be told there have been many times where I have said "that is a really great idea."
Ok there are 5 more. I will save them for another post.
The general idea here is establishment of clear expectations. I know that I have struggled with being clear and have had to pull out the "because I said so" card. That never goes over well and the whole family suffers when one of my teens is unhappy with an outcome. So, I need to learn to be more consistent with my expectations BEFORE I expect them.
Sometimes we just forget that their are many minds, many points of view in the house and not everyone thinks exactly the same way. So, if I am disappointed in someone's decision or actions, or lack of action, I honestly do try to think to myself and decide whether or not I was clear in my expectations. I have seen that I am not always clear. So, in that vain, sometimes we have to give our family members a break
Another important thing that I am working on is giving myself a break. Sometimes I beat myself up over my mistakes or lack of direction w/the kids. We all have to sit back and realize that if we truly are doing the best we can (boy that can mean a lot of different things to different people), If we truly are always acting in the best interest of the family, then let the mistakes go. Learn from them and move on. I'm working on it!
I found a list of things that you can do to teach responsibility and I have held onto to it for years. I'll share it here along with my thoughts.
1. Establish family rules and make sure they are clear to everyone in the household. The consequences for breaking rules must be consistent. Examples are curfew, homework time and even friends.
2. Household chores should be assigned to our teens and we need to make sure they are done on schedule.
Now this can be a hard one when you have busy kids. I recently hired a housekeeper and literally just gave her the kids chore lists for the weekend (of course I added mine too). Be considerate of your kids time too. If you encourage sports, theater, volunteering, you should also understand that sometimes there just isn't enough time.
3. Help your teen get and stay organized with school work. - Now kids don't all naturally have organizational skills - Heck open their bedroom door (LOL). This will be easier with some then others. Some just lack the skills and need the guidance and will appreciate it. Others could care less about being organized and find it perfectly okay to search thr0ugh the backpack to find their crumpled homework.
4. Be a good role model by meeting your own obligations completely and on time. This is a personally challenging one for me because I am a last minute queen. I have the uncanny ability to do something in the 11th hour and make it look like I worked on it tirelessly. But, I am also extremely reliable and the kids father is extremely reliable. We do what we say we will do - Always!!
5. Ask for your teen's input when making family decisions. If there are problems, brainstorm for solutions. I think I just do this naturally, when we talk both my kids have no fear of sharing their ideas and my son makes darn sure everyone hears his opinion and truth be told there have been many times where I have said "that is a really great idea."
Ok there are 5 more. I will save them for another post.
The general idea here is establishment of clear expectations. I know that I have struggled with being clear and have had to pull out the "because I said so" card. That never goes over well and the whole family suffers when one of my teens is unhappy with an outcome. So, I need to learn to be more consistent with my expectations BEFORE I expect them.
Sometimes we just forget that their are many minds, many points of view in the house and not everyone thinks exactly the same way. So, if I am disappointed in someone's decision or actions, or lack of action, I honestly do try to think to myself and decide whether or not I was clear in my expectations. I have seen that I am not always clear. So, in that vain, sometimes we have to give our family members a break
Another important thing that I am working on is giving myself a break. Sometimes I beat myself up over my mistakes or lack of direction w/the kids. We all have to sit back and realize that if we truly are doing the best we can (boy that can mean a lot of different things to different people), If we truly are always acting in the best interest of the family, then let the mistakes go. Learn from them and move on. I'm working on it!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Teen Driving - Help me out here folks!!
Ok, I live in a really small town and we are near nothing. I am a FREAK about letting my kids drive with teenagers (this includes up to 19). My son last year got invited to go to the mall with a girl friend (just a friend) of his. The older sister (18) was driving. This was SOOO hard for me to decide whether or not to let him go. Now mind you the mall is no less than an hour away (1hr 20, the way I drive), through windy mountain roads for a great portion of it.
So, I let him go. Then the weather turned. He got there safely, he called and checked in. I casually asked my husband to take me to mall to get him and drive him home. I couldn't bear the thought of him driving home with a teen in the dense fog. He was not mad or humiliated. I waited till they were done doing their thing. She is a super nice girl and didn't give him any guff about it.
Now remember - I live in an EXTREMELY small town (one gas station and one stop sign - ok 2, if you count the one coming into town off the two lane death highway (LOL). So, I am at the gas station and I am inside. Outside I see a car pull up and it has a couple of teens in it. The one driving I THINK is not allowed to drive with other teens yet. So, I see my son, walking up to the gas station - HE DOES NOT SEE ME. He talks to the kids in the car 0pens the back door and is about to get into the car. The kid in the front passenger seat, apparently told him that I was in the store (he obviously saw me). My son backs out of the door of the SUV and casually walks into the store. Hey Mama, can I go to (wherever) with "so and so?" I asked him if the kid was allowed to drive with teens (KNOWING HE IS NOT) and so my son goes out and asks him - he of course, says no. My son proceeds back into the store tells me "no," but wants to go with him anyway. A small argument occurs (of course the checker is a friend of mine, we know everyone in town). She and I discussed had I not been in the store, my 16 year old kid would have gotten into the SUV with 2 other teens, one of which who had his license like 3 months and drove off.
It scares the hell out me. You can't be with them every minute. He has track practice, or play practice or cheer practice. You just can't be with them every moment.
Now he has a friend who drives around all over. He's a responsible kid, who has had his license long enough to drive with others. I have given my son permission to drive with him. Now, they go no more than 5 miles (or less) to the deli, the taco shop, a friend's house. No biggie and it feels right.
Yesterday he let it slip that he was looking for a ride to the school baseball game (which is played at a park less than 2miles from the school). He told me he couldn't get a hold of the friend he has permission to drive with so he was going to go with a girl friend (friend). But as she pulled up to give him a ride, so did the other person. So, once again he was going to get into the car of someone whom he is not allowed to drive with.
He has had multiple eye surgeries and really isn't ready for a license yet (vision almost there). Plus he can be very impulsive - so I really don't care if he gets a license. I am in NO HURRY. He was just talking about getting his permit (which honestly, I don't know if he'd pass the eye test, but depending on the day, he might (his vision can fluctuate right now). But after these incidents, I really feel like he does not take the whole responsibility of driving seriously. If he is willing to break the rules - then he is not mature enough for me to even consider letting him drive, right???
Since his friends are just now entering the driving age - this is a new issue for me. As it is now, all the parents just take turns driving the kids "down the hill." to different events/activities.
What are you doing to ensure your kids follow the rules of driving? What have you said to SHOCK them back into reality?
Seriously, I'm nervous and I am - well, I am nervous.
So, I let him go. Then the weather turned. He got there safely, he called and checked in. I casually asked my husband to take me to mall to get him and drive him home. I couldn't bear the thought of him driving home with a teen in the dense fog. He was not mad or humiliated. I waited till they were done doing their thing. She is a super nice girl and didn't give him any guff about it.
Now remember - I live in an EXTREMELY small town (one gas station and one stop sign - ok 2, if you count the one coming into town off the two lane death highway (LOL). So, I am at the gas station and I am inside. Outside I see a car pull up and it has a couple of teens in it. The one driving I THINK is not allowed to drive with other teens yet. So, I see my son, walking up to the gas station - HE DOES NOT SEE ME. He talks to the kids in the car 0pens the back door and is about to get into the car. The kid in the front passenger seat, apparently told him that I was in the store (he obviously saw me). My son backs out of the door of the SUV and casually walks into the store. Hey Mama, can I go to (wherever) with "so and so?" I asked him if the kid was allowed to drive with teens (KNOWING HE IS NOT) and so my son goes out and asks him - he of course, says no. My son proceeds back into the store tells me "no," but wants to go with him anyway. A small argument occurs (of course the checker is a friend of mine, we know everyone in town). She and I discussed had I not been in the store, my 16 year old kid would have gotten into the SUV with 2 other teens, one of which who had his license like 3 months and drove off.
It scares the hell out me. You can't be with them every minute. He has track practice, or play practice or cheer practice. You just can't be with them every moment.
Now he has a friend who drives around all over. He's a responsible kid, who has had his license long enough to drive with others. I have given my son permission to drive with him. Now, they go no more than 5 miles (or less) to the deli, the taco shop, a friend's house. No biggie and it feels right.
Yesterday he let it slip that he was looking for a ride to the school baseball game (which is played at a park less than 2miles from the school). He told me he couldn't get a hold of the friend he has permission to drive with so he was going to go with a girl friend (friend). But as she pulled up to give him a ride, so did the other person. So, once again he was going to get into the car of someone whom he is not allowed to drive with.
He has had multiple eye surgeries and really isn't ready for a license yet (vision almost there). Plus he can be very impulsive - so I really don't care if he gets a license. I am in NO HURRY. He was just talking about getting his permit (which honestly, I don't know if he'd pass the eye test, but depending on the day, he might (his vision can fluctuate right now). But after these incidents, I really feel like he does not take the whole responsibility of driving seriously. If he is willing to break the rules - then he is not mature enough for me to even consider letting him drive, right???
Since his friends are just now entering the driving age - this is a new issue for me. As it is now, all the parents just take turns driving the kids "down the hill." to different events/activities.
What are you doing to ensure your kids follow the rules of driving? What have you said to SHOCK them back into reality?
Seriously, I'm nervous and I am - well, I am nervous.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Using Phrases Consistently that Represent Your Expectations and Intentions
I spend a lot of time on the road and I listen to talk radio all the time. Oprah radio has a lot of inspirational stories and "tidbits" that I pick up on and try to use in my daily life.
There was this psychologist on once who was talking about her experience in working with women. She found a fundamental ingredient missing from their lives. She indicated through working with women she learned that many of them never had the basic idea that they deserve to be happy instilled in them. Growing up somehow they never got the message "you deserve to be happy." It sounds so simple, so basic. But, it made me think. Maybe it's this whole idea about how we do for others, our kids, our husbands, our bosses.
Whether or not I bought into the whole idea, I determined was not important. What is important is that my daughter know she deserves to be happy. So, I told her - "you deserve to be happy." Not only did I tell her, but I tell her often. So much that now it's become a silly joke that we have fun with. But the phrase in ingrained in her mind. "I deserve to be happy." or "you deserve to be happy." We say it so much - she says it to me, she says it to her dad. It's fun and it now is a part of who we are.
Don't mock this. It's simple and silly and now it's a part of who we are. Though the whole thing has become fun now I feel really good about this positive message that has become a "truth" for all of us in our family, including my son.
Another example - and this one is just too much fun.
The movie "Freaky Friday" with Jamie Lee Curtis (most recent one). The mom is so busy, so torn in a thousand directions but she wants to send her kids off to school with a positive message - as her daughter jumps out of the car and runs on campus the mom yells out of the car "Make Good Choices!!!!"
I started doing that on a daily basis - literally as the door slams and my two kids are on their way out the door. They know it's from the movie. But, they also know it is my true wish for them. I did it this morning and they both yelled back "I will." Mind you my son right now is having trouble with a kid at school and got in trouble yesterday. We had this long talk about not letting this other kids control him and ruin all the positive things that are going on in his life right now. So, the simple phrase of "make good choices" applies greatly to what is going on in his life at this very moment. This phrase will always fit.
Another great thing about using these phrases regularly with the kids . . . Sometimes when I yell to my daughter "make good choices," she will yell back just before she slams the door "You deserve to be happy!" I laugh and carry on with the day from there. Having the last words spoken to me by my child a positive affirmation that life is good.
I hope that I a relaying here how amazingly simple it is to be positive and connect. If it is so simple and it is so positive . . . why not try it?
When I first heard the story on the radio, I took a moment and I asked my daughter, "do you know you deserve to be happy?" Of course she looked at me like I was crazy. I can't remember her exact response, but it was basically as if she had never really thought about it, but agreed that she knew inside that she deserved happiness. I think it was important that the words come out of my mouth to her letting her know that she deserves happiness. This way there is no question about what I want for her and and what she should want/expect for herself. The key would seem to be that she hear it often and sincerely, and even silly, if need be.
By the way, this all applies to boys as well.
So carry on and know that we ALL deserve to be happy and we all need to make good choices.
There was this psychologist on once who was talking about her experience in working with women. She found a fundamental ingredient missing from their lives. She indicated through working with women she learned that many of them never had the basic idea that they deserve to be happy instilled in them. Growing up somehow they never got the message "you deserve to be happy." It sounds so simple, so basic. But, it made me think. Maybe it's this whole idea about how we do for others, our kids, our husbands, our bosses.
Whether or not I bought into the whole idea, I determined was not important. What is important is that my daughter know she deserves to be happy. So, I told her - "you deserve to be happy." Not only did I tell her, but I tell her often. So much that now it's become a silly joke that we have fun with. But the phrase in ingrained in her mind. "I deserve to be happy." or "you deserve to be happy." We say it so much - she says it to me, she says it to her dad. It's fun and it now is a part of who we are.
Don't mock this. It's simple and silly and now it's a part of who we are. Though the whole thing has become fun now I feel really good about this positive message that has become a "truth" for all of us in our family, including my son.
Another example - and this one is just too much fun.
The movie "Freaky Friday" with Jamie Lee Curtis (most recent one). The mom is so busy, so torn in a thousand directions but she wants to send her kids off to school with a positive message - as her daughter jumps out of the car and runs on campus the mom yells out of the car "Make Good Choices!!!!"
I started doing that on a daily basis - literally as the door slams and my two kids are on their way out the door. They know it's from the movie. But, they also know it is my true wish for them. I did it this morning and they both yelled back "I will." Mind you my son right now is having trouble with a kid at school and got in trouble yesterday. We had this long talk about not letting this other kids control him and ruin all the positive things that are going on in his life right now. So, the simple phrase of "make good choices" applies greatly to what is going on in his life at this very moment. This phrase will always fit.
Another great thing about using these phrases regularly with the kids . . . Sometimes when I yell to my daughter "make good choices," she will yell back just before she slams the door "You deserve to be happy!" I laugh and carry on with the day from there. Having the last words spoken to me by my child a positive affirmation that life is good.
I hope that I a relaying here how amazingly simple it is to be positive and connect. If it is so simple and it is so positive . . . why not try it?
When I first heard the story on the radio, I took a moment and I asked my daughter, "do you know you deserve to be happy?" Of course she looked at me like I was crazy. I can't remember her exact response, but it was basically as if she had never really thought about it, but agreed that she knew inside that she deserved happiness. I think it was important that the words come out of my mouth to her letting her know that she deserves happiness. This way there is no question about what I want for her and and what she should want/expect for herself. The key would seem to be that she hear it often and sincerely, and even silly, if need be.
By the way, this all applies to boys as well.
So carry on and know that we ALL deserve to be happy and we all need to make good choices.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
The Value of the term "Never Give Up"
Believing in your child is paramount. Your kid has enough peer pressure, difficult school assignments, and other outside influences that drag down his self esteem, that he must know at all costs that you know he can do it (it being succeed).
My son has struggled with school for valid reasons. He has a number of very small disabilities that all add up to having to work harder in order to achieve the high results that come naturally (or easier) to others.
He is an easily frustrated kid and wanted to give up many a time. Heck, he did give up many a time. We spent MANY a night with him throwing a fit over insisting he complete his homework.
I am going to go into detail here about the steps we took, but first let me say that being a parent is the full time job. It ain't easy, it ain't always fun. Sometimes I cry. But, more times I revel with pride and with joy over his accomplishments. For many years my husband and I would quietly say to one another "the world needs ditch diggers, too." All the while telling him that we know he is brilliant (and he is, and we have proof because the schools have tested the heck out of him because of his disabilities). He is smart enough to rule the world. He just has to work so much harder to prove it.
AS A NOTE: Our son is on an IEP (Individualized Education Program) due to his vision and fine motor skill disorders (dygraphia and Camptodactyly. He also has ADD.
So, here is what we did on a REGULAR basis.
1. Check the online homework hotline put out by his school to see his assignments. AND HIS MISSING ASSIGNMENTS. (He did those missing assignments whether or not he got credit for them).
2. He missed getting free time on the weekends, or whenever in order to do them. (THIS IS A FIGHT - BUT SO WHAT!!)
3. We have the email addresses of ALL his teachers. We email them to ask if there is anything we can do to support our son OR THE TEACHER. We want the teachers to know we are "involved" parents and that we insist on our son being as successful as possible.
4. We requested teacher conferences. We explain our child's disabilities so they would know his struggles. Many of them see him as so smart and such a class participant they don't realize how hard he struggles.
5. We dealt with his tantrums - his yelling at us to leave him alone. We got frustrated we got discouraged - we dealt with it!
SIDEBAR: Imagine how much easier it might be for a parent of a child who does not face physical challenges to step up to the plate and be successful.
Please understand - we have had to do these same things OVER AND OVER oh and OVER since he was in 6th grade.
Our son is now a Junior in high school. He has a 3.17 GPA and he is DOING IT ON HIS OWN. It took years and years of constant telling him that we will accept nothing less than the best he has to offer. We give our best, we expect his best.
YOU CAN'T GIVE UP!!!!
Our son has been awarded two leadership opportunities this year - BIG ONES!! He was awarded the American Legion Scholarship to the "Boys State Program" in Sacramento, CA. This is highly competitive!! The selection process states "Only boys with outstanding qualities of leadership, character, scholarship, loyalty and service to their schools and community should be considered." He will be going for an entire week with other Jr. boys to learn about government. I could go on and on about this program - but I won't - but the opportunities that will arise out of this camp will be immeasurable.
He also was awarded a camp leadership training position for the YMCA camp program. 3 weeks of mentoring and learning and growing!! This also will be an amazing opportunity for him.
I have seen too many parents who just give and give and then just GIVE UP!!
We never gave up. We never will! He is too important. His future means EVERYTHING to us.
If we still had to fight the fight . . . WE WOULD. He deserves it. He is our child.
I used to say over and over in my head "someday this will all kick in . . . someday he will get it" Well . . . Someday has arrived ! It will arrive for you too. Please don't give up!
My son has struggled with school for valid reasons. He has a number of very small disabilities that all add up to having to work harder in order to achieve the high results that come naturally (or easier) to others.
He is an easily frustrated kid and wanted to give up many a time. Heck, he did give up many a time. We spent MANY a night with him throwing a fit over insisting he complete his homework.
I am going to go into detail here about the steps we took, but first let me say that being a parent is the full time job. It ain't easy, it ain't always fun. Sometimes I cry. But, more times I revel with pride and with joy over his accomplishments. For many years my husband and I would quietly say to one another "the world needs ditch diggers, too." All the while telling him that we know he is brilliant (and he is, and we have proof because the schools have tested the heck out of him because of his disabilities). He is smart enough to rule the world. He just has to work so much harder to prove it.
AS A NOTE: Our son is on an IEP (Individualized Education Program) due to his vision and fine motor skill disorders (dygraphia and Camptodactyly. He also has ADD.
So, here is what we did on a REGULAR basis.
1. Check the online homework hotline put out by his school to see his assignments. AND HIS MISSING ASSIGNMENTS. (He did those missing assignments whether or not he got credit for them).
2. He missed getting free time on the weekends, or whenever in order to do them. (THIS IS A FIGHT - BUT SO WHAT!!)
3. We have the email addresses of ALL his teachers. We email them to ask if there is anything we can do to support our son OR THE TEACHER. We want the teachers to know we are "involved" parents and that we insist on our son being as successful as possible.
4. We requested teacher conferences. We explain our child's disabilities so they would know his struggles. Many of them see him as so smart and such a class participant they don't realize how hard he struggles.
5. We dealt with his tantrums - his yelling at us to leave him alone. We got frustrated we got discouraged - we dealt with it!
SIDEBAR: Imagine how much easier it might be for a parent of a child who does not face physical challenges to step up to the plate and be successful.
Please understand - we have had to do these same things OVER AND OVER oh and OVER since he was in 6th grade.
Our son is now a Junior in high school. He has a 3.17 GPA and he is DOING IT ON HIS OWN. It took years and years of constant telling him that we will accept nothing less than the best he has to offer. We give our best, we expect his best.
YOU CAN'T GIVE UP!!!!
Our son has been awarded two leadership opportunities this year - BIG ONES!! He was awarded the American Legion Scholarship to the "Boys State Program" in Sacramento, CA. This is highly competitive!! The selection process states "Only boys with outstanding qualities of leadership, character, scholarship, loyalty and service to their schools and community should be considered." He will be going for an entire week with other Jr. boys to learn about government. I could go on and on about this program - but I won't - but the opportunities that will arise out of this camp will be immeasurable.
He also was awarded a camp leadership training position for the YMCA camp program. 3 weeks of mentoring and learning and growing!! This also will be an amazing opportunity for him.
I have seen too many parents who just give and give and then just GIVE UP!!
We never gave up. We never will! He is too important. His future means EVERYTHING to us.
If we still had to fight the fight . . . WE WOULD. He deserves it. He is our child.
I used to say over and over in my head "someday this will all kick in . . . someday he will get it" Well . . . Someday has arrived ! It will arrive for you too. Please don't give up!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Lessons of the Past
I wrote this as an essay I really needed to get off my chest about 7 months ago. Life has gone completely upwards since I wrote this. In a drastic, drastic for the amazingly better!
I feel the need to share this here as it tells the story of even how a mother who thinks she is completely clued in can be completely wrong!
Lessons
Those times in life where things come up and give you a slap in the face can sure be challenging. They can make you question everything about yourself, what you’re doing, how you’re doing it, why you’re doing it.
I have been secure in the knowledge that I am a doing the best I can as a mom. I have been here for my kids every day since they were born. Working to make a business for myself so that I could be wherever they needed me. Their father and I have a loving relationship, which made me feel confident that we were setting good examples for them in their lives.
I have struggled with my kids getting older. Even though they are still at home, I have yearned for the days when they were younger and life was so much simpler. Crafts at the kitchen table. A day at the zoo was a fun as it got. Now we face homework challenges, schedules, peers toying with their self confidence. We face the challenges of teaching lessons whenever the opportunity presents itself (not always when we are ready for them). For the most part, I have felt that we have met these challenges head on and have had success. We feel our kids are good people with a good sense of values and community service. We have always felt like our kids would make their way in the world with confidence, pride and success.
Last Friday I was faced with information that I was not prepared to hear. I found out that my son decided to buy Marijuana on the school bus and bring it to school. Honestly the moment the words reached my brain I had a nervous breakdown. I found myself pacing uncontrollably, feeling like I was in the middle of a nightmare (someone else’s nightmare, because it could not be my own).
I knew that I had one chance to deal with this situation in the right way. One chance to do the right things, say the right things, to be the parent that my son needed. I did the only thing I could think of. I called Fred Becker who works with parents in our area through the Community Parent Coalition and Parent Classes at the high school. Through talking with Fred (more than once and more than an hour or so). I learned my instincts were all wrong. I wanted to yank my kid and shake him and punish him and take every piece of freedom away from him. Through his thoughtful counsel my husband and I were able to tackle this situation and feel like we know where to go from here.
Our son had his incident on Friday. By Monday, after talking with him and we all agreed that he must make steps towards better decisions, a future full of hope and opportunity, we enrolled our son in an early intervention program here in San Diego. We signed him up for a 12 hour class that he will go to weekly and learn about the consequences of bad decisions. He went to his first class on Monday night and his second on Wednesday night. It was important to us the this be STOPPED NOW! Not later. Not if more trouble happens, NOW.
It is so easy to get wrapped up in daily life, daily challenges, daily schedules to simply not see a problem. We must have been so sure that all our decisions were in the best interest of our children that all of their decisions would also be in their best interest. But they are kids and they will make mistakes, they will do stupid things and they will need understanding, guidance, support and to hear that by making a mistake they need not be defined by that mistake. They can face the challenges of their mistake and come out on top.
It is important to learn no matter how much you love, no matter how great your child is; it is possible that they will make wrong decisions, harmful decisions, stupid mistakes. I know I honestly believed that this was not a possibility in my life. There was NO WAY my child would smoke pot. He is too loved, too smart, has too many opportunities. So there is my slap in the face.
I have learned from the people in my community, those who are my friends, those whom I respect, that this is a new beginning. How my son goes from here is the real test and that we have every reason to believe that he will rise to the occasion and move on and learn from this and be a better person for it.
As much as I hate what has happened, how it happened, I must be thankful that it did happen so that I could come to a place that is "real." I feel hopeful. I know we can handle this, he can handle this and we will all be the better for it.
I feel the need to share this here as it tells the story of even how a mother who thinks she is completely clued in can be completely wrong!
Lessons
Those times in life where things come up and give you a slap in the face can sure be challenging. They can make you question everything about yourself, what you’re doing, how you’re doing it, why you’re doing it.
I have been secure in the knowledge that I am a doing the best I can as a mom. I have been here for my kids every day since they were born. Working to make a business for myself so that I could be wherever they needed me. Their father and I have a loving relationship, which made me feel confident that we were setting good examples for them in their lives.
I have struggled with my kids getting older. Even though they are still at home, I have yearned for the days when they were younger and life was so much simpler. Crafts at the kitchen table. A day at the zoo was a fun as it got. Now we face homework challenges, schedules, peers toying with their self confidence. We face the challenges of teaching lessons whenever the opportunity presents itself (not always when we are ready for them). For the most part, I have felt that we have met these challenges head on and have had success. We feel our kids are good people with a good sense of values and community service. We have always felt like our kids would make their way in the world with confidence, pride and success.
Last Friday I was faced with information that I was not prepared to hear. I found out that my son decided to buy Marijuana on the school bus and bring it to school. Honestly the moment the words reached my brain I had a nervous breakdown. I found myself pacing uncontrollably, feeling like I was in the middle of a nightmare (someone else’s nightmare, because it could not be my own).
I knew that I had one chance to deal with this situation in the right way. One chance to do the right things, say the right things, to be the parent that my son needed. I did the only thing I could think of. I called Fred Becker who works with parents in our area through the Community Parent Coalition and Parent Classes at the high school. Through talking with Fred (more than once and more than an hour or so). I learned my instincts were all wrong. I wanted to yank my kid and shake him and punish him and take every piece of freedom away from him. Through his thoughtful counsel my husband and I were able to tackle this situation and feel like we know where to go from here.
Our son had his incident on Friday. By Monday, after talking with him and we all agreed that he must make steps towards better decisions, a future full of hope and opportunity, we enrolled our son in an early intervention program here in San Diego. We signed him up for a 12 hour class that he will go to weekly and learn about the consequences of bad decisions. He went to his first class on Monday night and his second on Wednesday night. It was important to us the this be STOPPED NOW! Not later. Not if more trouble happens, NOW.
It is so easy to get wrapped up in daily life, daily challenges, daily schedules to simply not see a problem. We must have been so sure that all our decisions were in the best interest of our children that all of their decisions would also be in their best interest. But they are kids and they will make mistakes, they will do stupid things and they will need understanding, guidance, support and to hear that by making a mistake they need not be defined by that mistake. They can face the challenges of their mistake and come out on top.
It is important to learn no matter how much you love, no matter how great your child is; it is possible that they will make wrong decisions, harmful decisions, stupid mistakes. I know I honestly believed that this was not a possibility in my life. There was NO WAY my child would smoke pot. He is too loved, too smart, has too many opportunities. So there is my slap in the face.
I have learned from the people in my community, those who are my friends, those whom I respect, that this is a new beginning. How my son goes from here is the real test and that we have every reason to believe that he will rise to the occasion and move on and learn from this and be a better person for it.
As much as I hate what has happened, how it happened, I must be thankful that it did happen so that I could come to a place that is "real." I feel hopeful. I know we can handle this, he can handle this and we will all be the better for it.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Using Technology to Boost the Connection
Both of my kids have cell phones with texting (don't they all). I for no reason at all will send my kids texts to let them know I am thinking of them. BAD BAD MOM texts them while they are at school. I have their phone numbers programmed into my email contacts so I text them right out of the computer.
Usually I am up and about while the kids get ready for school. Actually I drag them out of bed. But, this particular morning I was exhausted, laid down in my daughter's bed and slept the whole time they were getting ready. I got up just as they were leaving.
I immediately texted them
I am sorry I was not awake. I miss seeing you guys. I love U both VERY much. Have a great day!!
Here are their replies
"I love u soo much too i miss see u too..Have a good day" - from the more long-winded girl (14)
"I love you too" - from the "too cool for school" boy (17)
Sent to and from my email for me to cherish and read as many times as I need during my day to remind me who I am! Yes, I am a sentimental fool!
I am also on Facebook and I have a myspace. I don't go onto myspace very often. But, I am on Facebook all the time!! I am "friends" with my kids on Facebook.
My son recently posted on Facebook (from school I might add - darn ipod w/wireless internet)
Chemistry is craZy hard
My comment to his post reads . . .
Yeah, that may be true. But, you are craZy Brilliant!
So, it's simple but we are in touch. I know what's going on in his head and he knows I know and he knows I am here to support him. I swear that kid never feels alone. He knows I am all about him!
Just being there seems to be the reason we are who we are as a family.
I may be a bit "over involved," but it sure beats the heck out of the alternative. Plus my kids (and I am sure your kids would to) surely let me know when I am over stepping. GOD FORBID I dance to a song playing at a store in the mall. That nearly caused a mutiny!
Usually I am up and about while the kids get ready for school. Actually I drag them out of bed. But, this particular morning I was exhausted, laid down in my daughter's bed and slept the whole time they were getting ready. I got up just as they were leaving.
I immediately texted them
I am sorry I was not awake. I miss seeing you guys. I love U both VERY much. Have a great day!!
Here are their replies
"I love u soo much too i miss see u too..Have a good day" - from the more long-winded girl (14)
"I love you too" - from the "too cool for school" boy (17)
Sent to and from my email for me to cherish and read as many times as I need during my day to remind me who I am! Yes, I am a sentimental fool!
I am also on Facebook and I have a myspace. I don't go onto myspace very often. But, I am on Facebook all the time!! I am "friends" with my kids on Facebook.
My son recently posted on Facebook (from school I might add - darn ipod w/wireless internet)
Chemistry is craZy hard
My comment to his post reads . . .
Yeah, that may be true. But, you are craZy Brilliant!
So, it's simple but we are in touch. I know what's going on in his head and he knows I know and he knows I am here to support him. I swear that kid never feels alone. He knows I am all about him!
Just being there seems to be the reason we are who we are as a family.
I may be a bit "over involved," but it sure beats the heck out of the alternative. Plus my kids (and I am sure your kids would to) surely let me know when I am over stepping. GOD FORBID I dance to a song playing at a store in the mall. That nearly caused a mutiny!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Positive Action Recognition
I joined with a group of parents at our kids high school to form a "Community Parent Coalition." We are a group of parents who simply want a positive environment for our kids and our community. Through meetings and brain-storming sessions, I worked with the group to create the PAR Program at our school (http://www.juliancpc.org). The program is all about recognizing kids when they make positive choices, be they great or small.
Teachers fill out PAR Cards that I created and then I collect them and make posters and hang them up in the hallway at school. The kids get to see what they are recognized for. It's the hope that other kids will work to be on the next poster and that the kids that see themselves up there will continue to make good choices.
So the program has been growing and the teachers are getting on board. I have to remind them frequently via email or posters in the staff room.
I was so thrilled with the program I came up with that I realized that it does not have to only be at school. I decided to implement the PAR program at home too. This way the kids could see each day the things that they do that make us proud. I made a poster and it hangs in my kitchen. I use a different color for each child so they can see their cards right away.
They are simple things that they do that I want to recognize them for. AND GUESS WHAT? Their friends come over and LOVE IT. I don't point it out. But, let me tell you, I have been in the living room and watched a girlfriend of my daughter just read each one individually with great interest.
I also stood one afternoon in the kitchen while my son and his friend were at the kitchen Island. His friend asked what it was, my son told him and he actually said "I wish my parents would do that." It felt great to hear this 16 year old boy say that!
It is simple - it costs almost nothing and my kids see it, feel special and are reminded daily that we are proud of them.
This is a beautiful, simple, constant way to connect with your kids on a positive level. They know you took the time to recognize their efforts!
So, pick up a poster board at walmart, pick up some post it notes and start recognizing your kids.
Positive recognition - inspires more positive behavior!
Connecting with teenagers (and tweens alike).
Through various circumstances that I have found myself in during my life, I always seem to find myself surrounded by kids. By working as a volunteer for my kids schools, by organizing and running carnivals for schools. Being talked into being a troop leader. Later I found myself as a foster mother to 4 girls and a boy alongside our two children.
The amazing thing is when I stop to take a look back and even a look around, I find that kids are drawn to me. We have great conversations, they include me in there circle of friends they want to share with. They hug me when I arrive on campus (yes, even those in high school). Somehow, some way, I seem to connect with kids. Let me be clear - not all kids - I had a recent failed foster parenting experience. So, I have also learned sometimes no matter what you do, sometimes things just don’t work out. Even with the best intentions.
Through my growth through my own children, I have spent so much time with kids that I have seen what many of them are lacking in their lives. I have seen what many of them are searching for. I have seen devastating low self esteem. I have always felt it was my place to build the kids up. It comes naturally for me to try to be inspirational to the kids around me.
I have found that what has seemed to come naturally to me (which is a lack of BS) is what brings me closer to the kids around me. When they do great I tell them. When they screw up, I tell them. When I screw up I tell them. I don’t pad things. I don’t talk down to them and I HEAR them!
So, as I am surrounded by them, I start to realize that how I connect with them and how I connect with my own two teens (14 and 17) is very doable. Being a real person who is sincerely interested in their best interest, their success, their happiness seems to be all that is needed.
I know that most adults genuinely want these things for the kids in their lives and the kids in their community. When more of the kids in your community are thriving, your own thrive as well. I guess what I have learned now is that many adults don’t know how to show those things to teens. Somehow they come across as jerks or just don't relate.
So my blog will consist of ways that I personally show kids how I care and how I want to enhance their lives and their experiences on a daily basis.
I know that if readers who really want to connect with their kids, their kids friends take on some of these simple tasks, positive changes will occur.
The amazing thing is when I stop to take a look back and even a look around, I find that kids are drawn to me. We have great conversations, they include me in there circle of friends they want to share with. They hug me when I arrive on campus (yes, even those in high school). Somehow, some way, I seem to connect with kids. Let me be clear - not all kids - I had a recent failed foster parenting experience. So, I have also learned sometimes no matter what you do, sometimes things just don’t work out. Even with the best intentions.
Through my growth through my own children, I have spent so much time with kids that I have seen what many of them are lacking in their lives. I have seen what many of them are searching for. I have seen devastating low self esteem. I have always felt it was my place to build the kids up. It comes naturally for me to try to be inspirational to the kids around me.
I have found that what has seemed to come naturally to me (which is a lack of BS) is what brings me closer to the kids around me. When they do great I tell them. When they screw up, I tell them. When I screw up I tell them. I don’t pad things. I don’t talk down to them and I HEAR them!
So, as I am surrounded by them, I start to realize that how I connect with them and how I connect with my own two teens (14 and 17) is very doable. Being a real person who is sincerely interested in their best interest, their success, their happiness seems to be all that is needed.
I know that most adults genuinely want these things for the kids in their lives and the kids in their community. When more of the kids in your community are thriving, your own thrive as well. I guess what I have learned now is that many adults don’t know how to show those things to teens. Somehow they come across as jerks or just don't relate.
So my blog will consist of ways that I personally show kids how I care and how I want to enhance their lives and their experiences on a daily basis.
I know that if readers who really want to connect with their kids, their kids friends take on some of these simple tasks, positive changes will occur.
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