Are You Sending Positive Messages?

Do your kids like you? Do you care if they like you? I know that I care. I also know the whole rig-a-ma-roll that you are to be a parent and not a friend. I think that I walk this line very well. My kids know when I am not messing around. However, I do suffer as a victim on occasion from "snotty teenage girl syndrome." Where I just have to bite my tongue, and remind my hubby to bite his too.

I try very hard to recognize my kids when they do something wonderful. My daughter enhances my life, my self esteem, my general feeling of happiness on a daily basis. I really like her and I know she really likes me. I know that I embarrass the heck out of her sometimes. She has become more and more accepting that I am who I am and I am not a representative of her when I am out and about. I think she had to learn that for survival purposes. As I am a prominent figure at her school I coach cheer and I volunteer for every opportunity given me at their school.

I wrote her a card that I hand made and it told her about how she has lifted me, inspired me and means to world to me.

It's a small act, but it's a reminder to her that she is loved and important. It also reminds her that she has the ability to enhance other people's lives. She is not just going through life and it's all about her. She has an effect on the world and the people around her. She matters.

Girls these days think their problems, concerns, worries are exclusive to them. They need to be reminded that they are not alone. That they are worthy and wonderful - just because they exist.

My favorite man who ever existed was Mr. Rogers. He used to tell ME on a daily basis through the television screen that he liked me, just for me, just as I was. And I believed him

I take the opportunity ANY time I can to remind all the girls that I know that they are wonderful, unique and CAPABLE. They need to hear it. I don't use the word "special" too often. As it is an overused word that has lost its meaning.

When you are around any teenage girls, you should be reminding them of their qualities, their traits that stand out. It doesn't have to be something major. Just a simple "wow, you're sure great at that."

Think of how great you feel when someone pays you even the simplest of compliments. Now imagine you are bombarded by boys who don't pay attention to you, friends who turn on you when the wind blows (TEENAGERS!!!), pressure to get good grades, busy parents and a general lack of self belief. Just one comment from someone they respect can go a long way to lifting them up and helping them to believe in themselves.

If not you, then who?

Feeling Pretty Fortunate

My 17 year old (closer to 18 now) senior in high school has a pretty serious girlfriend. They really only get to see each other on the weekends and an occasional week night. But the skype and talk on the phone constantly.

I enjoy my kid's company. My son is funny as heck and my daughter is too. Our favorite family pass time is to compete on Jeopardy. We DVR it and watch 2-4 episodes at a time and keep score. Truthfully, we are all too dumb to get many answers right, but it is soo much fun.

I always call it "family time" and I always indicate how much I love having us all together, laughing and enjoying each other. We do other stuff like "family meetings" and card games, etc.

The cool thing is if his girlfriend calls when we are up to one of these activities, he will always answer the phone and sweetly tell her "it's family time, I'll call you back in ______."

I just find this so wonderful and such a display of love for the family. It touches my heart.

I recently added a card to the Positive Action Recognition poster in the kitchen, stating that I was proud and happy that he recognizes family time.

This, I realize is pretty rare for a 17 y/o. For this reason, it's help me to know that I am connecting with my kids. My kids see family as valuable.

I would say the key thing that I have done in this scenario is let my kids know how much I like them and how much I value their humor, the brains and their time.

The Postive Experiment - AWESOME

Ok - This is exciting for me. I am cheerleading advisor at my kids school. I currently work with 17 cheerleaders on a daily basis. Now you would think that those who try out and become cheerleaders would be self confident, and know they have something to offer.

The truth is many of them are deathly shy and very insecure about their beauty (and I mean inner beauty). I constantly try to give positive messages to them. I am also VERY honest with them telling them what they need to work on.

Anyway - It's my passion to give them the truth about their wonderfulness. But, coming from an adult doesn't always sink in. So, I did the positive experiment with them. I plan on doing with the entire school. But, we started here.

I made 3 piles of 3x5 cards each with a cheerleaders name on them. Each cheerleader took a name from each pile - giving them 3 names. They were to take them home and write something positive or encouraging about the person on their card. I was somewhat worried that someone would flake out and a poor person would sit there w/o 3 positive comments. NO ONE FLAKED OUT. Some even went above and beyond and made a full blown art project for their recipient.

I read each card (51 of them) out loud to the group. They were so thrilled. They were all so appreciative of the comments that their teammates made about them. I got teary eyed more than once.

This is such a simple project - so easy and yet had such a HUGE impact on the team. I have kept the cards so I can copy them. I will give them back and I know that each one of them will cherish their cards and read them again and again.

Maybe you could present this idea to your student's teacher, or your student's coach. It is very worth it! It's always a good idea to give a kid a reason (or 3) to feel confident, feel special, important, cared for and appreciated.

I'd love your comments!

Frustration is setting in!!!

I try so hard to communicate in a real way with my kids. I try to take "gems" I have learned and pass them along. I try to take good advice and use it. Dr. Phil once said a long time ago something about how we should teach our kids our expectations by using our identity. Meaning when the kids do something outside of what the family stands for we say " The Smiths don't do that." Or, when saying something positive about our family . "The Smiths help their community." Helping the kids to identify with who we are as a family, what kind of behavior we expect and how we interact with the world.

I am proud of my kids and I am proud of my family. We do a lot of volunteering, we do a lot of good for our community. The kids are reminded constantly on how to be an exceptional person.

I am not thrilled with the way my kids get along with each other. It's a constant struggle to get them to be kind to one another on a regular basis.

So, yesterday my daughter gets mad at my son at school, starts doing her teenage drama queen routine, crying, etc. etc. While friends try to make her feel better - he walks by and she calls him an obscene name and then he retaliates and it starts a big ol' yelling match out in front of the school. Some kid jumps in and wants to start a fight with my son and it just progresses into a scene that is not a representation of who I want my family to be.

I have had the talks about family and sticking together and the talks about making a big old scene and acting like an ass. I guess the conversations have to be constant and reminders must be made.

Listen, if we don't support each other who will? Who will be there for you if not your family? Who you gonna call?

Respect each other, stick together and if you can't get along then for gosh sakes just leave each other ALONE!! So, it seems I suffer from a common problem of siblings fighting. It's just magnified in a small town where too many people get involved.

I need to calm down and talk to them in a peaceful, rational way. But this morning I was a snot to her and just told her to try to make it through the day without an outburst and causing any drama. I spoke out of anger and I am still angry. Probably because I have like a zillion times and yet these events still take place.

Oh well, the quest for perfection continues.

There is no easy road!

My son is mad at me. He has entered his senior year of high school. Along with being a senior comes many perks. The seniors get to leave campus for lunch and many seniors get a "free period." Mind you, our school is on a block schedule - so a free period is 2 hours of free time every other day. Uh - How bout' NO!!

I did not let my son take a free period. He is quite irritated about it. I also made him take pre-calculus and he's quite irritated at me for that, too. Well look, it's your last year - make it count. Learn all you can - do your best and learn as much as you can.

One of the things I try to communicate to him is that right now he makes his decisions on how he feels right now. I am making decisions based on how I know he will feel in 10 years.

No one EVER pushed me to be my best in High School. I had no real mentors and I had no one saying to me - YOU WILL SUCCEED. In high school I had better things to do with my time than work hard and learn much.

My son is so much like me that it scares me. The difference is - he has me. I will not let him say to himself in 10/15/20 years, "I wish I had paid more attention in high school." "I wish, I wish, I wish." So, for right now he is saying "I don't need this," "I don't want to do this." I just gently remind him that I know how smart he is. I know his potential and I know that this is the best for him. I tell him that I love him and I believe in him and that one day he'll be glad for the extra work now.

I ran into the principal the other day and she mentioned that his spirits were a bit low. (I live in a small town, everyone know everyone, she KNOWS my kid). I told her why and she suggested that I tell him that if he works very hard and has a successful first semester, that I allow him a free period during the second semester. We both agreed that my son is the type that only works hard when there is a reward or benefit for him. I told her I was worried about that personality trait and she was so wonderful in reminding me that in life there is always some sort of real motivation - more money, or something he wants so that I should not worry too much about that. That helped me feel better about it.

So, I told him. His only question was - which class does he get to drop. I couldn't answer that right off - so the issue is currently tabled. But, oh have no doubt it will come up again.

I don't just pull the "because I said so card." That does no good on a 17 year old boy who feels he has the world by the (Hmmm) and knows exactly what he is doing and exactly what he wants.

So, I tell him my motivations. I tell him why I have made these decisions on his behalf. And even though he may not agree with them, he has learned through a lifetime of commitment to him that I only have his success in mind. He knows that his happiness, his success is my life's goal. He will never and has never questioned that. That's a major win on my side.

At this age they need to understand why things are the way they are. You (I) can't just make demands without talking to the kid and helping him see why we do what we do.

I hope that I am making him a better person. I hope that my insistence that he do his best will carry on throughout his life and that he will make "being his best" a lifetime habit.

Community Service - Exactly who do you want your kids to be.

I joined my local merchant's association in order to build my business more locally. The group puts on all kinds of community enhancing events. Last night was a big one -- a Starfest for Astronomy lovers. The group was in need of volunteers in order to help direct people. As it was dark and help was needed to guide people where they needed to be.

I signed up my entire family to volunteer. My oldest even called to plan a visit to us and I told her, we would love to have you- here is what we are doing. She came and she worked, too.

The Astronomy lovers recently paid for and built and observatory at my kid's school. So, while my daughter and I hooked up for a check in - she was moaning a bit (it had been a couple of hours) and I told her - well this is the least you can do - these people built you an observatory. She said "yeah." and we carried on.

I want my kids to recognize that they are responsible for improving their community. So many people figure that someone else will do it. Of course there will always be that small group of dedicated people who do most of the legwork.

It is not OK to enjoy the fruits of other's labors on a constant basis. Your labor is needed to build a better, stronger community. Not to mention a better stronger you.

I thanked my kids very much at the end of the evening. Each of them was gracious and let me know they were glad to help for something that was important to me.

I was very proud to introduce them to other volunteers and those in charge. My kids help make a difference and I am proud of that too!

Finding Ways to Communicate if it isn't easy!

I have to give COMPLETE credit for this idea to my daughter. She came up with this and she is a genius.

My daughter is not great at expressing emotions. She gets it from her dad. Now my son and I wear our hearts on our sleeves and talk talk talk about whatever it is we are feeling at any given moment.

I like to tackle feelings head on and talk it out, work it out. But, my daughter (and hubby) just don't function that way. Though we have nice talks and when I come to her she will talk about issues with me.

But, what about the times I don't see an issue? What about the times I don't recognize that she has something going on inside her and then I miss the opportunity to be of help, or support, or what she needs.

So, one day I walked into my room and found a composition book on my pillow. It had "MOM" written on the cover. Down in the corner it said "mommy & me"

I opened the book and it was dated and the first paragraph read:

Mom,
I know and you know that I don't like to talk about how I feel so I thought that this might help.

She went on to talk about a problem she was having in school. She had gotten in some trouble for being a smart mouth and she wanted to tell her side of the story.

The book was used quite often for a while to share her thoughts and then I would respond to her. Quite honestly we don't use it as much any more. I would like to think it is because we talk more. But, I need to write her a little check in note and see if she wants to share.

So, here is a FABULOUS idea if you are having a hard time communicating. OH by the way - we never TALK about what is written in the book. What happens in the book - stays in the book.

So, thanks to her creativity we found a way to break through her barriers to communication.

I am really proud of her!