My personality is too strong. I am aware of it. Somehow I always manage to make my faults less important by stating that I recognize them. Somehow I feel it lets me off the hook a little (oh please!!). I am the dominant factor in this house for two reasons.
1. Because I refuse to be ruled (childhood baggage)
2. Because when it comes to my kids I am a complete and utter push over (not happy about it, but it's the cold hard truth)
So, I am either ruling out of fear of being ruled or because I want my kids to have every moment of happiness possible, no matter the cost.
I have learned over the years that my kids are often a reflection of me. If I am disrespectful to their father (my husband of almost 18 years) they will begin to fall in line. They will discredit his answers or blow him off or be rude to him. When I noticed the trend, I really wanted to make a change.
Quite honestly in my life I have never met a kinder, more generous man than my husband. He gives of himself tirelessly. He is an amazing person with endless amounts of patience and fortitude. I want my children to recognize that. I want them to aspire to be like him (and less like me). I want them to be giving, loving, caring and have the highest amount of integrity. All the things I see in their father.
I constantly speak of how lucky they are to have him. How hard he works and how much he offers their lives in the way of support and spirit - the "go get um', you can do anything" kind of spirit.
Being typical teenagers they cop attitudes, the disrespect on occasion and they "mouth off." I try to call them on it immediately. Sometimes through a facial expression, sometimes through a word of disapproval. Sometimes with a threat of a smack!
I want to honor their father. I want my daughter to aspire to marry a man very much like him (perhaps a bit more expressive would be nice). I want my son to aspire to be like him. My son is an amazing person who does see the grace that is his father. Though he forgets it sometimes when he is doing his own teenage thing.
I want to honor him everyday so that they will see him and appreciate him the way I do.
I am sorry for the times I am a control freak. I want to do better at this and I want to be an example for them.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Showing Kids You Care
I keep things I find inspirational. I have had this long list, brightly colored for years. For some time now it has been tacked to my broom closet door as a reminder to me.
It is titled 150 Ways to Show Kids You Care. This is not just about my kids, but all kids I come in contact with.
Here it goes:
It is titled 150 Ways to Show Kids You Care. This is not just about my kids, but all kids I come in contact with.
Here it goes:
- Notice them
- Smile a lot
- Acknowledge Them
- Seek them out
- Remember their birthdays
- Ask them about themselves
- Look in their eyes when yo talk to them
- Listen to Them
- Read aloud together
- Giggle together
- Be nice
- say yes a lot
- Tell them their feelings are okay
- Set boundaries the keep them safe
- Be honest
- Be yourself
- Listen to their stories
- Hug them
- Forget your worries sometimes an concentrate only on them
- Not when they are acting differently
- Present options when they seek your counsel
- Play outside together
- Surprise them
- Stay with them when they are afraid
- Invite them over for juice
- Suggest better behaviors when they act out
- Feed them when they are hungry
- Delight in their discoveries
- Share their excitement
- Send them a letter or a postcard
- Follow them when they lead
- Notice when they are absent
- Call them to say hello
- Hide surprises for them to fine
- Give them space when they need it
- Contribute to their collections
- Discuss their dreams and nightmares
- Laugh at their jokes
- Be relaxed
- Kneel, squat, or sit so you'r at their eye level
- Answer their questions
- Tell them how terrific they are
- Create a tradition with them and keep it
- Learn what they have to teach
- Use your ears more than your mouth
- Make yourself available
- Show up at their concerts, games and events
- Make yourself available
- Find a common interest
- Hold hands during a walk
- Apologize when you've done something wrong
- Listen to their favorite music with them
- Keep the promises you make
- Wave and smile when you part
- Display their artwork in your home
- Thank them
- Point out what you like about them
- Clip magazine pictures or articles that interest them
- give them lots of compliments
- Catch them doing something right
- Encourage win-win solutions
- Give them your undivided attention
- Ask their opinion
- Have fun together
- Be curious with them
- Introduce them to your friends and family
- Tell them how much you like being with them
- Let them solve most of their own problems
- Meet their friends
- Meet their parents
- Let them tell you how they feel
- Help them become an expert at something
- Be excited when you see them
- Tell them about yourself
- Let them act their age
- Praise more, criticize less
- Be consistent
- Admit when you have made a mistake
- Enjoy your time together
- Give them a special nickname
- Marvel at what they can do
- Tell them how proud you are of them
- Pamper them
- Unwind together
- Be a happy person
- Ask them to help you
- Support them
- Applaud their successes
- Deal with problems and conflicts with they are still small
- Chaperone a dance
- Tell them stories in which they are the hero
- Believe in them
- Nurture them with good food, good words and good fun
- Be flexible
- Delight in their uniqueness
- Let them make mistakes
- Notice when they grow
- Wave and honk when you drive by them
- Give them immediate feedback
- Include them in conversations
- Respect them
- Join in their adventures
- Visit their schools
- Help them learn something new
- Be understanding when they have a difficult day
- Give them good choices
- Respect the choices that they make
- Be silly sometimes
- Sometimes just "hang out" with them
- Make time to be with them
- Inspire their creativity
- Accept them as they are
- Become their advocate
- Appreciate their individuality
- Talk open with them
- Tolerate their interruptions
- Trust them
- Share a secret
- Write a chalk message on their sidewalk
- Create a safe, open environment
- Be available
- Cheer them on
- Encourage them to help others
- Tackle new tasks together
- Believe what they say
- Help them take a stand and stand with them - I like this one!
- Daydream with them
- Do what they like to do
- Make decisions together
- Magnify their magnificence
- Build something together
- Encourage them to think big
- Celebrate their firsts and lasts, such as the first day of school
- Go places together
- Welcome their suggestions
- Visit them when they are sick
- Tape-record a message for them
- Help them learn from their mistakes
- Be sincere
- Introduce them to people of excellence
- Tell them what you expect of them
- Give them what you expect of them
- Give them your phone number
- Introduce them to new experiences
- Share a meal together
- Talk directly together
- Be spontaneous
- Expect their best, don't expect perfection
- Empower them to help and be themselves
- Love them, no matter what!
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Gratitude
I think that there is a common theme in many of my posts. I appreciate my kids, my life and all that it has offered me. I always want my kids to be grateful. Not just for their "stuff," of which they have much. But, for their life: A family that loves and supports them, the beauty around them, opportunities given them and each other as siblings.
Believe me, I have typical kids - They drive me insane. They fight with each other constantly. they never want to do their chores (or anything above and beyond their chores, should there be a need). We are Not a perfect family and you'll know that by reading posts here about the challenges we have faced. I guess the difference for me is recognizing and holding onto and "going with" all the good that springs up daily, hourly, by the minute.
So, on to gratitude. If you have not read my post on "Positive Action Recognition." And you are looking for ways to show gratitude to your kids, I think that the PAR program is amazing. Please take a minute to read it.
I learned with a puppy that I was training that I got more out of her by rewarding her when she did the things I asked of her than I did for punishing her when she misbehaved. It's the same concept with the kids. Positive brings more positive. Oprah has a saying that I live by and remind everyone around me of "What you focus on grows!" Think about it, if you keep complaining about a bad day, doesn't it always just get worse? Yes, it does. Whatever you give your attention - more of it will come your way - good or bad.
Our family camps A LOT and I would have to say our best family memories are from when we are camping. Even now at 14 and 17 (and my oldest foster daughter at 20) all want to go camping. We went at the end of March through the first week of April and everyone was so excited, even the oldest one took days off of work in order to join us camping for a few days.
While we camp, I will write letters to the kids, while they are out and about playing, I say thoughtful things to them and tell them how much and specifically what I appreciate about them.
Today while searching desperately for something in my office, I found a gratitude letter I wrote when we were camping in November of 2007! I read it and it made me feel so nice. I was also so glad that I had written it down. Who the heck remembers how they were feeling a year and a half ago? So, I am going to share here some of what I wrote to and about my children.
I am thankful for beautiful children that represent all possibilities of life. so much potential and so much in their eyes that gives me dreams of the future. And for their mere existence in my life.
I wrote about my oldest foster daughter:
I am thankful that you have been able to see that life has so much to offer and that you have decided to go after your share of it. That you at some point realized that you deserved it and that the things you dream of are truly possible. I am am thankful for any small part I have played in that.
I wrote about their father.
I am most thankful for a husband who gives of himself in every way to each one of us. In ways I never expected because I never knew a person was capable of so much kindness. He is an example for us all on what it means to love and be loving. I'm not able to put into words all the things he has taught me. There is no way I could thank him enough for the beauty that is the life he has give me.
I wrote about several other things in this gratitude letter, all of which I believe when read by the kids provoked thoughts in them. I hope that it helped them realize what a great father they have (even though they see his grace every day). I think they get a sense of gratitude for their own blessings as they see me appreciate and write down mine.
I believe my showing gratitude helps them be grateful people. I certainly hope it does. I want them to feel the sense of wonderfulness that I feel knowing this is my life, it's full of things and people I love - I am so very lucky!!
I want my kids to feel loved, honored, special, cared for and I want them to recognize and be grateful for all that this life is offering them on their journey.
Believe me, I have typical kids - They drive me insane. They fight with each other constantly. they never want to do their chores (or anything above and beyond their chores, should there be a need). We are Not a perfect family and you'll know that by reading posts here about the challenges we have faced. I guess the difference for me is recognizing and holding onto and "going with" all the good that springs up daily, hourly, by the minute.
So, on to gratitude. If you have not read my post on "Positive Action Recognition." And you are looking for ways to show gratitude to your kids, I think that the PAR program is amazing. Please take a minute to read it.
I learned with a puppy that I was training that I got more out of her by rewarding her when she did the things I asked of her than I did for punishing her when she misbehaved. It's the same concept with the kids. Positive brings more positive. Oprah has a saying that I live by and remind everyone around me of "What you focus on grows!" Think about it, if you keep complaining about a bad day, doesn't it always just get worse? Yes, it does. Whatever you give your attention - more of it will come your way - good or bad.
Our family camps A LOT and I would have to say our best family memories are from when we are camping. Even now at 14 and 17 (and my oldest foster daughter at 20) all want to go camping. We went at the end of March through the first week of April and everyone was so excited, even the oldest one took days off of work in order to join us camping for a few days.
While we camp, I will write letters to the kids, while they are out and about playing, I say thoughtful things to them and tell them how much and specifically what I appreciate about them.
Today while searching desperately for something in my office, I found a gratitude letter I wrote when we were camping in November of 2007! I read it and it made me feel so nice. I was also so glad that I had written it down. Who the heck remembers how they were feeling a year and a half ago? So, I am going to share here some of what I wrote to and about my children.
I am thankful for beautiful children that represent all possibilities of life. so much potential and so much in their eyes that gives me dreams of the future. And for their mere existence in my life.
I wrote about my oldest foster daughter:
I am thankful that you have been able to see that life has so much to offer and that you have decided to go after your share of it. That you at some point realized that you deserved it and that the things you dream of are truly possible. I am am thankful for any small part I have played in that.
I wrote about their father.
I am most thankful for a husband who gives of himself in every way to each one of us. In ways I never expected because I never knew a person was capable of so much kindness. He is an example for us all on what it means to love and be loving. I'm not able to put into words all the things he has taught me. There is no way I could thank him enough for the beauty that is the life he has give me.
I wrote about several other things in this gratitude letter, all of which I believe when read by the kids provoked thoughts in them. I hope that it helped them realize what a great father they have (even though they see his grace every day). I think they get a sense of gratitude for their own blessings as they see me appreciate and write down mine.
I believe my showing gratitude helps them be grateful people. I certainly hope it does. I want them to feel the sense of wonderfulness that I feel knowing this is my life, it's full of things and people I love - I am so very lucky!!
I want my kids to feel loved, honored, special, cared for and I want them to recognize and be grateful for all that this life is offering them on their journey.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Teaching Responsbility (Part 2)
Continuing on from the card with a list for parents that I had found and have held onto for years. I will comment on my take/experience with my efforts to implement these suggestions.
6. Provide your teen with ways to earn, save and manage money.
The toughest part of this one for me is the saving. Who I am kidding, I don't make them save and I know that I should. My son had a short summer job last year and when he got his first paycheck all he wanted to do was buy a weight set. Now the cool thing here is that we have shown our kids the value of a second hand purchase. He was thrilled to go on craigslist shop around, and purchase the one he wanted. He even made all the phone calls to inquire about the sets he was interested in. He spent every dime of his paycheck on the set he wanted. The great thing is, nearly a year later he still uses it (unlike most exercise equipment).
Also on managing money - my freshman daughter is in charge of decorations at the upcoming dance at school (it's tonight). She had a meager budget of $100. Luckily it's a luau theme and oriental trading company had sent a catalog with a ton of stuff. Anyway, I was so proud of her, she went through the catalog, picked out everything and even looked up the shipping charges. She went online and entered all the items and I even gave her my credit card and she entered everything. Her total was $100.82. I was very impressed. I didn't even check the items to make sure they were appropriate. I left it to her and told her that I had complete confidence in her. When the items arrived she went through the entire order and checked it against the invoice to make sure she got everything. It was fun to watch. My daughter is a YOUNG freshman. I started her in kindergarten at 4. So, she is almost a full year younger than her friends/classmates. So, for 14 years old, I am proud of her handling of the whole thing. Now, I was at Walmart the other night and they had a whole wall of luau stuff so I bought her some more stuff to add to it as a little surprise. She was thrilled. I am sure the dance will be fun.
7. Allow your teen to make personal choices in certain areas. These can include dress and extracurricular activities-- anything that doesn't put your teen in danger.
Dress! Dress! I have two words that drive me and many other mother's crazy "saggy pants." They drive me crazy and they especially drive my husband crazy. He just gets so irritated by them. Hell, my son even sags his pajamas! What is up with that?
I have to remind them on the dress code. It's easier to blame the school and take it off of yourself - they can't argue with that one - though they will try. There are a couple of sexy tops I refuse to let her wear to school and when she picks them out at the store I'll tell her first thing - if you buy that: 1. You're taking money out of what we budgeted to spend today and 2. YOU CAN'T WEAR IT TO SCHOOL! If she likes it enough she'll buy it, if not then she'll put it back and sigh heavily at the unfairness of the world.
Both of my kids are heavy into extracurricular activities and we support that heavily. It's a crazy life, but then again most parents already know all about that. I will say that due to circumstances at school, the cheerleading coach was let go and I got a call from the principal and was asked to be the "cheer advisor," since my son is a cheerleader, I of course accepted and let me tell you I have had the time of my life! It's too much fun and I get all this extra time with my kid and get to know his friends. I love it and am planning cheer tryouts for the end of this month for next year!
8. Help your teen consider consequences of every action. Provide facts when appropriate on such issues as using tobacco or taking unwise risks.
I have already talked A LOT about this in my blog - Please read other posts for many many of the challenges I have faced in this area.
I do have another story though (don't I always?) I smoke, my husband just quit. Our son unbeknown to us started smoking. Apparently for a while. We caught him and were both at a loss as to what to do. I knew it was the one thing I could not do anything about. Because no one could have stopped me, I started at 17 years old. My mom begged and pleaded. Though, I was heartbroken, I really thought that there was no way I could change it. I said everything I could think of to stop him. But, I knew none of it worked. I saw texts on his phone that referred to him smoking even though he told me he would not.
I realized he was taking MY CIGARETTES! that really made me mad. I told him if he was gonna smoke he was gonna have to find a way to pay for it. I hid my smokes every night. Sometimes so well that I could not find them, it was quite irritating.
So, I got a call from a friend of mine who is also the mother of a VERY good friend of my son. Her son had told her that we knew our son smoked and we were fine with it as long as he paid for them - OMG NOT TRUE!! We were just at a loss. She had told her son that maybe he should not hang out with our son if he was going to do adult things and wanted to be an adult (her and her hubby also smoke). This REALLY upset my son because her son is one of his best friends. I told her of all my verbal efforts and how saddened I was over him smoking. She was pretty adamant that I couldn't give up. She told me to take away allowing him to be out of my sight. Well, for me that was not possible, he has sports and activities and I guess I was just not willing to take that away from him.
THEN AN EPIPHANY!! Track season was just around the corner and he wanted some supplies. All of a sudden it occurred to me. So, I did not put on my "mom, no you can't hat." I put on my "now let's be reasonable hat." I said something to the effect of "You know, it would be really stupid for you to do track this year . . . that's just dumb. Smokers can't to do track. It's a contradiction. So, I am going to have to say, that I can't put in all the effort of track (shoes, time driving to and from practice, etc etc) when you obviously don't even care about the sport - you are smoking. C'mon that's just stupid!!" I left him alone with that thought. He kept asking me if I was serious and I would just say something like - "of course, you have to realize how it would be stupid, and I am not going to put in any effort for something so stupid, you obviously don't take the sport seriously, why should I?" Somehow that did it!!! He realized he had a choice between smokes and track. He loves track, he loves his coaches, he loves the whole experience and wasn't willing to give it up.
So, for now that battle has been won. As a smoker myself, I am sure this will be something we will have to address again. Though he just turned 17 last week, so my influence is only good for so long. However, I just realized he'll have college expenses that I can bargain with. For goodness sakes the kid is planning on being a firefighter/paramedic - smoking would be a ridiculous choice. I wish myself luck on this one! But, it's important enough to us that we'll keep drudging along finding ways to help him make good choices.
Wow that was a long one!!
I'll save 8 and 9 for another post.
6. Provide your teen with ways to earn, save and manage money.
The toughest part of this one for me is the saving. Who I am kidding, I don't make them save and I know that I should. My son had a short summer job last year and when he got his first paycheck all he wanted to do was buy a weight set. Now the cool thing here is that we have shown our kids the value of a second hand purchase. He was thrilled to go on craigslist shop around, and purchase the one he wanted. He even made all the phone calls to inquire about the sets he was interested in. He spent every dime of his paycheck on the set he wanted. The great thing is, nearly a year later he still uses it (unlike most exercise equipment).
Also on managing money - my freshman daughter is in charge of decorations at the upcoming dance at school (it's tonight). She had a meager budget of $100. Luckily it's a luau theme and oriental trading company had sent a catalog with a ton of stuff. Anyway, I was so proud of her, she went through the catalog, picked out everything and even looked up the shipping charges. She went online and entered all the items and I even gave her my credit card and she entered everything. Her total was $100.82. I was very impressed. I didn't even check the items to make sure they were appropriate. I left it to her and told her that I had complete confidence in her. When the items arrived she went through the entire order and checked it against the invoice to make sure she got everything. It was fun to watch. My daughter is a YOUNG freshman. I started her in kindergarten at 4. So, she is almost a full year younger than her friends/classmates. So, for 14 years old, I am proud of her handling of the whole thing. Now, I was at Walmart the other night and they had a whole wall of luau stuff so I bought her some more stuff to add to it as a little surprise. She was thrilled. I am sure the dance will be fun.
7. Allow your teen to make personal choices in certain areas. These can include dress and extracurricular activities-- anything that doesn't put your teen in danger.
Dress! Dress! I have two words that drive me and many other mother's crazy "saggy pants." They drive me crazy and they especially drive my husband crazy. He just gets so irritated by them. Hell, my son even sags his pajamas! What is up with that?
I have to remind them on the dress code. It's easier to blame the school and take it off of yourself - they can't argue with that one - though they will try. There are a couple of sexy tops I refuse to let her wear to school and when she picks them out at the store I'll tell her first thing - if you buy that: 1. You're taking money out of what we budgeted to spend today and 2. YOU CAN'T WEAR IT TO SCHOOL! If she likes it enough she'll buy it, if not then she'll put it back and sigh heavily at the unfairness of the world.
Both of my kids are heavy into extracurricular activities and we support that heavily. It's a crazy life, but then again most parents already know all about that. I will say that due to circumstances at school, the cheerleading coach was let go and I got a call from the principal and was asked to be the "cheer advisor," since my son is a cheerleader, I of course accepted and let me tell you I have had the time of my life! It's too much fun and I get all this extra time with my kid and get to know his friends. I love it and am planning cheer tryouts for the end of this month for next year!
8. Help your teen consider consequences of every action. Provide facts when appropriate on such issues as using tobacco or taking unwise risks.
I have already talked A LOT about this in my blog - Please read other posts for many many of the challenges I have faced in this area.
I do have another story though (don't I always?) I smoke, my husband just quit. Our son unbeknown to us started smoking. Apparently for a while. We caught him and were both at a loss as to what to do. I knew it was the one thing I could not do anything about. Because no one could have stopped me, I started at 17 years old. My mom begged and pleaded. Though, I was heartbroken, I really thought that there was no way I could change it. I said everything I could think of to stop him. But, I knew none of it worked. I saw texts on his phone that referred to him smoking even though he told me he would not.
I realized he was taking MY CIGARETTES! that really made me mad. I told him if he was gonna smoke he was gonna have to find a way to pay for it. I hid my smokes every night. Sometimes so well that I could not find them, it was quite irritating.
So, I got a call from a friend of mine who is also the mother of a VERY good friend of my son. Her son had told her that we knew our son smoked and we were fine with it as long as he paid for them - OMG NOT TRUE!! We were just at a loss. She had told her son that maybe he should not hang out with our son if he was going to do adult things and wanted to be an adult (her and her hubby also smoke). This REALLY upset my son because her son is one of his best friends. I told her of all my verbal efforts and how saddened I was over him smoking. She was pretty adamant that I couldn't give up. She told me to take away allowing him to be out of my sight. Well, for me that was not possible, he has sports and activities and I guess I was just not willing to take that away from him.
THEN AN EPIPHANY!! Track season was just around the corner and he wanted some supplies. All of a sudden it occurred to me. So, I did not put on my "mom, no you can't hat." I put on my "now let's be reasonable hat." I said something to the effect of "You know, it would be really stupid for you to do track this year . . . that's just dumb. Smokers can't to do track. It's a contradiction. So, I am going to have to say, that I can't put in all the effort of track (shoes, time driving to and from practice, etc etc) when you obviously don't even care about the sport - you are smoking. C'mon that's just stupid!!" I left him alone with that thought. He kept asking me if I was serious and I would just say something like - "of course, you have to realize how it would be stupid, and I am not going to put in any effort for something so stupid, you obviously don't take the sport seriously, why should I?" Somehow that did it!!! He realized he had a choice between smokes and track. He loves track, he loves his coaches, he loves the whole experience and wasn't willing to give it up.
So, for now that battle has been won. As a smoker myself, I am sure this will be something we will have to address again. Though he just turned 17 last week, so my influence is only good for so long. However, I just realized he'll have college expenses that I can bargain with. For goodness sakes the kid is planning on being a firefighter/paramedic - smoking would be a ridiculous choice. I wish myself luck on this one! But, it's important enough to us that we'll keep drudging along finding ways to help him make good choices.
Wow that was a long one!!
I'll save 8 and 9 for another post.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Reminding them of THEIR Goals!
As I have stated here before my son has ADD. He's a great kid and the ADD really seems to mess with his patience. He seems to get angrier easily when he is off meds. Though he has gone the weekend w/o it, or forgotten to take it on occasion.
A series of events have taken place over the last couple of weeks (a bit less) that have given opportunity to learn lessons.
My son is sorta at the top of his game right now, good grades, won a few awards and leadership opportunities, doing well socially. So, about 4-5 days ago, he told me he wanted to try going off of his medication over the summer. I reminded him that he has A LOT going on this summer, Fire Academy, 3 weeks of leadership camp and another week at a leadership conference. I told him that things are going so well for him and that it's ok to be on medication if that is what he needs. I told him there is a chemical imbalance, it's not his fault, nor does it reflect poorly on "who he is as a person." So we agreed that he could give it a shot while at home over the summer, but it wouldn't be wise to change what is working while he is engaging in important activities for his future. He agreed.
So, yesterday he turned 17 years old - Yay! I made the fatal mistake of allowing him to have a friend spend the night on a school night.
Today I got a call from school. His math teacher/asst. principal had emailed the receptionist that my son was being very disrespectful and disruptive in class. She felt as though she could handle him, but saw the makings of a very bad day for him. Upon talking to him, she learned he did not take his medication today. So, they were calling to see if I wanted to bring his meds to him.
I thought about it and decided that it would be better for me to talk to him instead. So, they had him call me between classes. When I talked to him, I was calm, not angry at all. I decided to remind him of his goals. I also took the opportunity to remind him that he has a direct affect on other people's day. How he treats his teachers can directly effect what kind of day they were having and that was a responsibility he should take seriously.
I reminded him that he has spoken to me about the kind of person he wants to be (a leader, a scholar). I asked him if he felt his behavior was in line with his goals? I also reminded him of his desire to be off medication. I told him I could not take that request seriously if he could not take his responsibility to be a person others enjoy being around seriously. I reminded him of other requests he had made, and how I could not consider them if he were in this way while at school.
I told him I did not think he wanted to be the kind of kids whose mom had to run to school and give him medication so that he could be liked by those around him. I told him I would bring his medication but asked him if this was really what he wanted, or if he wanted to take a deep breath and think about acting in a way that is in line with his goals. If he was in 8th grade, I told him, I would be up there already. But, as a 17 year old boy making choices for himself, it did not seem like the right thing to do.
He decided to make the day better from that moment forward. We both agreed he would go and apologize to his teacher and move on with the day from there.
I spoke to him after school, before practice, he said the day did get better.
I understand the fact that he is 17 makes this scenario what it is. As I mentioned earlier, were he in 8th grade, I would have driven to school immediately to dispense his meds.
So, I am proud of both of us. I made the decision to not scold him and he made the decision to behave in line with his ultimate goals.
Score one for us!!!
A series of events have taken place over the last couple of weeks (a bit less) that have given opportunity to learn lessons.
My son is sorta at the top of his game right now, good grades, won a few awards and leadership opportunities, doing well socially. So, about 4-5 days ago, he told me he wanted to try going off of his medication over the summer. I reminded him that he has A LOT going on this summer, Fire Academy, 3 weeks of leadership camp and another week at a leadership conference. I told him that things are going so well for him and that it's ok to be on medication if that is what he needs. I told him there is a chemical imbalance, it's not his fault, nor does it reflect poorly on "who he is as a person." So we agreed that he could give it a shot while at home over the summer, but it wouldn't be wise to change what is working while he is engaging in important activities for his future. He agreed.
So, yesterday he turned 17 years old - Yay! I made the fatal mistake of allowing him to have a friend spend the night on a school night.
Today I got a call from school. His math teacher/asst. principal had emailed the receptionist that my son was being very disrespectful and disruptive in class. She felt as though she could handle him, but saw the makings of a very bad day for him. Upon talking to him, she learned he did not take his medication today. So, they were calling to see if I wanted to bring his meds to him.
I thought about it and decided that it would be better for me to talk to him instead. So, they had him call me between classes. When I talked to him, I was calm, not angry at all. I decided to remind him of his goals. I also took the opportunity to remind him that he has a direct affect on other people's day. How he treats his teachers can directly effect what kind of day they were having and that was a responsibility he should take seriously.
I reminded him that he has spoken to me about the kind of person he wants to be (a leader, a scholar). I asked him if he felt his behavior was in line with his goals? I also reminded him of his desire to be off medication. I told him I could not take that request seriously if he could not take his responsibility to be a person others enjoy being around seriously. I reminded him of other requests he had made, and how I could not consider them if he were in this way while at school.
I told him I did not think he wanted to be the kind of kids whose mom had to run to school and give him medication so that he could be liked by those around him. I told him I would bring his medication but asked him if this was really what he wanted, or if he wanted to take a deep breath and think about acting in a way that is in line with his goals. If he was in 8th grade, I told him, I would be up there already. But, as a 17 year old boy making choices for himself, it did not seem like the right thing to do.
He decided to make the day better from that moment forward. We both agreed he would go and apologize to his teacher and move on with the day from there.
I spoke to him after school, before practice, he said the day did get better.
I understand the fact that he is 17 makes this scenario what it is. As I mentioned earlier, were he in 8th grade, I would have driven to school immediately to dispense his meds.
So, I am proud of both of us. I made the decision to not scold him and he made the decision to behave in line with his ultimate goals.
Score one for us!!!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Reminding Kids When They are Fortunate
Our Family has it pretty good. I work from home for the most part. We don't miss softball games or track meets or plays, or parent day or anything else. When the boy wanted special shoes for high jumping and then another pair for the shotput and the discus and yet another pair for general training (totaling a ridiculous amount that I refuse to admit here), he got them. Her softball jersey was $132 - Holy COW! When they want itunes, they get them, they both own the ipod touch and though he thinks he cell phone sucks - they both have high end cell phones.
Yesterday, we walked out of Walmart having dropped $281 on a bunch of "stuff," many groceries included. This was just the first stop on a day that would burn a hole in my ATM card. I thought it was a good time to remind my daughter how lucky she is. Now the preaching of "you don't know how good you've got it" would only serve to turn her off. So, I just started out by saying "you know with all the stuff that is going on in the economy I feel so lucky that I can just walk into the store and buy whatever I want without having to really worry about it." I continued with "obviously I have to worry about it, but not to the degree that so many others are facing." I continued on with how lucky I felt about how well "dad" takes care of us. She seemed to identify with what I was saying and agreed. So, instead of preaching to her(which I save for when I angry with her, like I was today for not doing her chores in a timely manner), I was able to share a true sentiment with her about how lucky our family is and how lucky she is to be living a life that affords her luxuries and vacations and family time, too.
Each one of us has something that makes our family lucky! By taking the lecture out of it, you get a chance to express yourself to your child without preaching to them. I just feel good about the way the conversation went. Most of the time I do, though. I really enjoy my daughter's company, I really like her and she knows it!!
Oh, I also sometimes will just say to myself while the kids are in the kitchen helping me put away groceries how lucky I feel to have stocked cabinets and that our family will have all we need for the week. I don't say it to anyone in particular, I just say it to myself and carry on.
Yesterday, we walked out of Walmart having dropped $281 on a bunch of "stuff," many groceries included. This was just the first stop on a day that would burn a hole in my ATM card. I thought it was a good time to remind my daughter how lucky she is. Now the preaching of "you don't know how good you've got it" would only serve to turn her off. So, I just started out by saying "you know with all the stuff that is going on in the economy I feel so lucky that I can just walk into the store and buy whatever I want without having to really worry about it." I continued with "obviously I have to worry about it, but not to the degree that so many others are facing." I continued on with how lucky I felt about how well "dad" takes care of us. She seemed to identify with what I was saying and agreed. So, instead of preaching to her(which I save for when I angry with her, like I was today for not doing her chores in a timely manner), I was able to share a true sentiment with her about how lucky our family is and how lucky she is to be living a life that affords her luxuries and vacations and family time, too.
Each one of us has something that makes our family lucky! By taking the lecture out of it, you get a chance to express yourself to your child without preaching to them. I just feel good about the way the conversation went. Most of the time I do, though. I really enjoy my daughter's company, I really like her and she knows it!!
Oh, I also sometimes will just say to myself while the kids are in the kitchen helping me put away groceries how lucky I feel to have stocked cabinets and that our family will have all we need for the week. I don't say it to anyone in particular, I just say it to myself and carry on.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Teaching Responsbility (Part 1)
This is an important one and I have felt that this one could be taught by example and consequences for being irresponsible (natural and imposed).
I found a list of things that you can do to teach responsibility and I have held onto to it for years. I'll share it here along with my thoughts.
1. Establish family rules and make sure they are clear to everyone in the household. The consequences for breaking rules must be consistent. Examples are curfew, homework time and even friends.
2. Household chores should be assigned to our teens and we need to make sure they are done on schedule.
Now this can be a hard one when you have busy kids. I recently hired a housekeeper and literally just gave her the kids chore lists for the weekend (of course I added mine too). Be considerate of your kids time too. If you encourage sports, theater, volunteering, you should also understand that sometimes there just isn't enough time.
3. Help your teen get and stay organized with school work. - Now kids don't all naturally have organizational skills - Heck open their bedroom door (LOL). This will be easier with some then others. Some just lack the skills and need the guidance and will appreciate it. Others could care less about being organized and find it perfectly okay to search thr0ugh the backpack to find their crumpled homework.
4. Be a good role model by meeting your own obligations completely and on time. This is a personally challenging one for me because I am a last minute queen. I have the uncanny ability to do something in the 11th hour and make it look like I worked on it tirelessly. But, I am also extremely reliable and the kids father is extremely reliable. We do what we say we will do - Always!!
5. Ask for your teen's input when making family decisions. If there are problems, brainstorm for solutions. I think I just do this naturally, when we talk both my kids have no fear of sharing their ideas and my son makes darn sure everyone hears his opinion and truth be told there have been many times where I have said "that is a really great idea."
Ok there are 5 more. I will save them for another post.
The general idea here is establishment of clear expectations. I know that I have struggled with being clear and have had to pull out the "because I said so" card. That never goes over well and the whole family suffers when one of my teens is unhappy with an outcome. So, I need to learn to be more consistent with my expectations BEFORE I expect them.
Sometimes we just forget that their are many minds, many points of view in the house and not everyone thinks exactly the same way. So, if I am disappointed in someone's decision or actions, or lack of action, I honestly do try to think to myself and decide whether or not I was clear in my expectations. I have seen that I am not always clear. So, in that vain, sometimes we have to give our family members a break
Another important thing that I am working on is giving myself a break. Sometimes I beat myself up over my mistakes or lack of direction w/the kids. We all have to sit back and realize that if we truly are doing the best we can (boy that can mean a lot of different things to different people), If we truly are always acting in the best interest of the family, then let the mistakes go. Learn from them and move on. I'm working on it!
I found a list of things that you can do to teach responsibility and I have held onto to it for years. I'll share it here along with my thoughts.
1. Establish family rules and make sure they are clear to everyone in the household. The consequences for breaking rules must be consistent. Examples are curfew, homework time and even friends.
2. Household chores should be assigned to our teens and we need to make sure they are done on schedule.
Now this can be a hard one when you have busy kids. I recently hired a housekeeper and literally just gave her the kids chore lists for the weekend (of course I added mine too). Be considerate of your kids time too. If you encourage sports, theater, volunteering, you should also understand that sometimes there just isn't enough time.
3. Help your teen get and stay organized with school work. - Now kids don't all naturally have organizational skills - Heck open their bedroom door (LOL). This will be easier with some then others. Some just lack the skills and need the guidance and will appreciate it. Others could care less about being organized and find it perfectly okay to search thr0ugh the backpack to find their crumpled homework.
4. Be a good role model by meeting your own obligations completely and on time. This is a personally challenging one for me because I am a last minute queen. I have the uncanny ability to do something in the 11th hour and make it look like I worked on it tirelessly. But, I am also extremely reliable and the kids father is extremely reliable. We do what we say we will do - Always!!
5. Ask for your teen's input when making family decisions. If there are problems, brainstorm for solutions. I think I just do this naturally, when we talk both my kids have no fear of sharing their ideas and my son makes darn sure everyone hears his opinion and truth be told there have been many times where I have said "that is a really great idea."
Ok there are 5 more. I will save them for another post.
The general idea here is establishment of clear expectations. I know that I have struggled with being clear and have had to pull out the "because I said so" card. That never goes over well and the whole family suffers when one of my teens is unhappy with an outcome. So, I need to learn to be more consistent with my expectations BEFORE I expect them.
Sometimes we just forget that their are many minds, many points of view in the house and not everyone thinks exactly the same way. So, if I am disappointed in someone's decision or actions, or lack of action, I honestly do try to think to myself and decide whether or not I was clear in my expectations. I have seen that I am not always clear. So, in that vain, sometimes we have to give our family members a break
Another important thing that I am working on is giving myself a break. Sometimes I beat myself up over my mistakes or lack of direction w/the kids. We all have to sit back and realize that if we truly are doing the best we can (boy that can mean a lot of different things to different people), If we truly are always acting in the best interest of the family, then let the mistakes go. Learn from them and move on. I'm working on it!
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